Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 9-5-01):
Dear Kitty,
I just wanted to let you know how much I
enjoy you and your column. You do a fantastic job answering people's mail and
helping them solve their problems. But even more than that, you've had a wonderful
career and I just love you.
You probably don't remember me, but I saw you in person at a Vegas lounge in late 1985.
I got your autograph after the show. You seemed more interested in the older
gentleman a few feet away from me, but I told you my name -- Candy. Do you have any
recollection of that? Gosh, I was in awe. I hope you remember me!
--Your Biggest Fan
Dear Ho: Although I am an atheist, I thank
God every day that I am not like you. Your late night phone calls are becoming
bothersome, and the fact that you sent me candy was not cute at all. I'm starting to
feel like the star of an 80s sitcom. Please desist.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
What the HELL is that weird smell I'm
experiencing?!!!!???!?!?
-- Grossed out in Greenville
Dear Greenville: It's called B.O. I
grew used to it ages ago, and I'm sure you will too. Good luck.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
My roomate insists on eating fried rice
with shrimp. I cannot condone the consumption of seafood products, based on my
natural dislike of them, except for canned tuna fish. How can I convince her to stop
this horrid behavior?
-- Also Grossed out in Greenville
Dear Also: When I was a wise eight-year-old,
my mother refused to accept my love for peanut butter laced with gin. She insisted
that a Tom Collins would get the job done. Forced to choose between my mother's
wishes and my dream, I hit the road. I haven't looked back since.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am flummoxed! I am 19 years old,
and I work in a retail establishment, which I will call Correct Aide, for sake of privacy.
I work with a guy about my age, whom I have a little crush on. He has a
girlfriend, but I've taken the "How to tell if he's into you" quiz in Cosmo, and
scored a 27 out of 35! Is he into me or not?! I'm so flummoxed!
-- Flummoxed in Fargo
Dear Flummoxed: I, too, have felt that pangs
of unrequited love. Although many nights alone with Cosmo led me to believe that he
was "the one," I soon learned better. That's why I drove over to his house
and broke all his windows with large jagged rocks.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I'm worried about my elderly mother.
She's 88 now, but she still insists on driving all the time.
Whether it's a trip down to the store, a drive across the lake, or a visit to her doctor,
she refuses to let anyone else give her a lift. No matter how much we beg, she
asserts that she is the same vibrant woman she always was. The truth is, she can
hardly see anymore, and last week she rammed her car into the neighbor's tree.
How can we convince this sweet lady to please be safe and let us drive her around?
We're willing and able!
-- Able-Bodied in Abilene
Dear Abilene: Break her legs.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I'm a 29 year old woman with two small
children and a husband whose loyalty I haven't questioned until just recently.
It seems I've recently contracted genital herpes. Kitty, I've been absolutely
faithful and disease-free during our eight years of marriage, and my husband supposedly
was as well. But now I'm very suspicious that he may be having an affair.
I questioned him and he got very nervous and testy with me, claiming to have had "a
hard day at work" or something. I'll bet! I think he's been running
around with the office floozy, but I'm not sure. Is there any other way I could've
gotten genital herpes, Kitty? Is my marriage in trouble?
-- Faithful in Fayetteville
Dear Faithful: Herpes can be a bitch.
Trust me, I know. I'm sure I've passed it to every man that's been willing to roll
in the hay with me. From large bikers to office workers with kids, they all want a
piece of the action. I can't blame them, though. I'm hot.
--Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!