Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 8-15-01):
Dear Kitty,
I'm a 32-year-old woman with a wonderful
husband and two kids. My problem is I am addicted to online gaming. I've been
known to play the online version of "Lemmings" for hours at a time. It's a
perverse thrill for me to watch them fall, one at a time, over that cliff. What's wrong
with me?
--Losing at Bingo in Baltimore
Dear Loser: The sad thing is that you're living
your perverse fantasies through a computer game. If you want to make something of
yourself, buy a sweet little handgun and take out the family one by one.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am an 84-year-old woman who was living a
perfectly comfortable, happy life. Then, all of a sudden, my husband discovered
Viagra.
Well well well...now he's just gotta have sex. All day and all night, sex sex sex.
It's to the point where I feel like my body's going to break. Kitty, is there
any way to control this man-beast? I can't get him off me, and... oh no... he just
walked in the door, and...
AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
--Attacked in Alabama
Dear Attacked: I, too, have felt that pain
brought about by Viagra. I took it once, and all I got was a lingering erection.
Please, PLEASE understand what your husband is going through. He needs help
through these troubled times. Close your eyes, grit your teeth, and spread those
legs.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I have this online friend, let's call him
"Stevie," who keeps insisting that he's "hot stuff" and "very
well endowed" (he was an English major, so he likes to use big words to pretend to be
smart). My problem is, I want to send Stevie a letter bomb, but can't seem to find a
good mail service. Should I send it UPS, Fed Ex, or what?
--Bummed in Biloxi
Dear Bummed: If I were in your shoes, I'd deliver
the bomb myself. Just knock on his door, shove a bomb covered in hungry red ants
down his pants, and run for the hills.
--Kitty Van Buren
P.S. - I like your style.
Dear Kitty,
Everyone has a dream they want to come
true. What is yours? Some dreams are as simple as building a new deck around
your pool, taking your family on a much needed vacation, or refinance your existing loan.
Whatever your needs, we can help. Not sure? Get a quote from us for
FREE!
If you received this in error, we apologize.
--Internet Spam Bastard
Dear Bastard: The only error involved is your
shitty knowledge of the English language. I'll tell you what. Take a first
grade English course, then give me a call. Perhaps then I'll consider respecting
you, you idiotic piece of foreskin.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am a 13-year-old girl who reads your
column every day! I think you are just great, and you give the kids a lot of
realistic advice!
My question is this: How can I grow up to be just like you, Kitty? I want to
be a washed-up lounge singer-turned-advice columnist, but I just don't know where to
start. How did you start? Can you give me any pointers?
I think you're super neat! Thanks for any advice you can give!
--Your Biggest Fan in Fayetteville
Dear Fan: You'll find yourself turning into Kitty
Van Buren when you wake up one afternoon sprawled out in a puddle of your own filth.
You'll also find yourself saying, "I can handle one more gin!" while
attempting to use a urinal. But you'll finally reach Kittydom when your ninth
husband leaves you for a drag queen named "Valentine".
Good luck!
--Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!