Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 6-22-01):

Dear Kitty,

I am a 14-year-old girl who is not allowed to date yet.

Kitty, I feel like I'm mature for my age, and all the other girls in my class are already getting rammed up the ass.  But my parents won't even let me get a soda at the malt shop across the street.  I even offered to date someone named Marty or Edmund or some dork name like that, and they still refused.

How can I kill them and still ellicit sympathy from the media?
--Teenager in Tallahassee

Dear Teenager: Just make them watch the television show Step By Step until they kill themselves.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am a 79-year-old woman who has been happily married to my husband for 58 years.  We're both still in relatively good health, and things have been fine with us until just last year.

That's when my dear hubby (I'll call him "Hot Rod") discovered Viagra.   Ever since, he's insisted on sex approximately 25 times a day.  Kitty, I love Hot Rod, but this is just too much.  I can't watch my stories anymore, and also I can't walk anymore.  What's more, he's suffered 27 heart attacks, 14 aneurysms and three strokes since he started taking the little blue pill on a regular basis.

I'm at my wit's end, Kitty.  What should I do about him?
--All Fucked Out in Fayetteville

Dear Fucked Out:  You need to tell your husband to quit the Pussy Patrol.  If he doesn't listen, flush his pills down the toilet or cut off his penis.  Make sure you flush the right pills though.  I flushed my 12th husband's nitro glycerin, so he started popping Viagra when he felt pains.   He soon died with a hearty erection.  I was dejected, but the life insurance perked me right up.  Good luck.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I'm a retired woman who is concerned about my children's financial situation.

My daughter, 38, is having trouble paying off her mortgage.  Her ex-husband has consistently failed to pay child support for their two sons, and he's been fired three times from two different jobs in the last year anyway.

Meanwhile, my 31-year-old son is still having trouble paying off loans dating back to his college days, and he....

GOOD GOD, I JUST REALIZED HOW BORING I AM!!!!!

Kitty, any objections to me shooting myself right here, right now?
--About to Die in Dallas

Dear Dallas:  No.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am an alien from the planet Parzykelon.   Me and my significant other (I'll call him "Gowwjdiebeuncgt") have been trying to contact you stubborn earthlings since the early 50s.  But every time we make contact, the news of our arrival is always hushed up by your government.   Apparently your native beings wouldn't be able to handle the idea that there really are other life forms out there.

Gowwjdiebeuncgt thought he had changed some perceptions after he created the hit television series ALF for NBC, but apparently it was too silly to spur on any serious discussion of the issue.

So Kitty, why do you humans avoid us so thoroughly?  Is it because we've seen your anuses?
--Hewqhfxckt from Parzykelon

Dear Alien: Actually, humans avoid you because Willie Tanner is a disturbing human being.  The thought that such an atrocity can be associated with you freaks is frightening enough.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I think that your column is a bad influence on Americans.  You consistently spew harmful advice that will only lead to more trouble for your readers.  All you do is insult the people who write to you.  These people are in pain, Kitty!  Where is your conscience?  How do you sleep at night?

You're horrible.
--Timothy McVeigh

Dear Timothy: Christ, what are you, a soccer mom or something?  Pull your head out of your ass and realize that RuPaul has been seen without a wig.
--Kitty Van Buren

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!

Want more Dear Kitty Van Buren?
Check out her classic How We Met column.
See her column from January 26, 2001.
See her column from February 7, 2001.
See her column from March 2, 2001.
See her column from March 26, 2001.
See her column from April 16, 2001.
See her column from May 16, 2001.
See her column from June 7, 2001.