Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 6-7-01):
Dear Kitty,
I am a 31-year-old mother of three. My
oldest son, who is 6 (I'll call him "Adolf"), likes to collect mucus as a hobby.
My problem is this: Some of Adolf's friends are making fun of him because of his
hobby, and it's starting to get pretty mean and relentless. One day, Adolf came home
crying his eyes out. Although this did help him with his collection, it certainly
wasn't good for his self-esteem.
How can I get the other children to stop teasing my sweet Adolf?
--Eva in Evansville
Dear Eva: Here's what you do:
tell your little snot-nosed twat of a son that you'll disown him if he keeps collecting
nerdy booger shit instead of something meaningful -- like the remains from circumcisions.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
My ex-wife (I'll call her "Bitch") has
custody of our two teenage daughters.
My problem is that she cuts my visitation time down as much as humanly and legally
possible. Kitty, I love my girls, but I hardly get to see them due to Bitch's
domineering ways.
However, I think the worst problem is that Bitch constantly badmouths me to my daughters,
and it appears to me like they're starting to grow up to hate men. I'm afraid this
will negatively impact their future romantic relationships.
Can you help me locate my balls?
--Clipped Like a Gelding in Greensboro
Dear Clipped: It sounds like ol' bitchface needs a
bite in the shins. Be sure to get down there, bite the shins, and run out laughing
as quickly as possible.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am a 16-year-old girl who has had just about
enough.
This has been a disastrous year for me. First, my best friend committed suicide when
she contracted AIDS from her boyfriend. A month later, her boyfriend shot up the
entire school, killing off the rest of my friends and shooting me in the back, paralyzing
me.
Then, my mother was killed by a drunk driver last month. Only a week after that, my
father was diagnosed with cancer and died just two weeks later. My grandparents got
custody of me; but within a week, my grandmother was killed in a drive-by shooting, and my
grandfather began regularly raping me while laughing and drooling all over himself.
Frankly, I'm starting to feel a little depressed. Is this normal? What should
I do?
--Down in Dumpsville
Dear Down: No, this is not normal. Christ,
your sweet Pop-Pop takes you in and just wants a little sugar, and you go around bitching
about it. What a ho.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I write for a website (I'll call it
"DobySight"), and I feel like it's going well except for one extremely dubious
feature.
My co-writer and I know a very, very drunk, wasted, and normally unconscious lush of a
woman (I'll call her "Feline Van Buren") who writes a column for us which is
utterly devoid of any redeeming qualities. How do I politely tell her to fuck off
and stop ruining our site?
--Concerned in Katmandu
Dear Concerned: Just put a slaughtered
chicken in her office like my bosses did to me. Sure, I just ignored it and kept the
dead chicken in my office for over a year, but hopefully this Feline cunt will get the
point.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
This is your father. Kitty, I know I
abandoned you when you were but a toddler. I know I only wrote to you once during
your entire childhood (and that was only to beg to borrow five bucks). I know I
wasn't there for you when you needed me most.
But I feel like it's time to start anew. I feel like I am in the springtime of my
life, and I can't wait to start making amends for all my wrongs. Kitty, I'd like to
start with you.
Can you find it in your heart to accept dear old dad back into your life, sweetie? :-)
--Proud Papa
Dear Papa: I just saw you this morning at mom's
house. You drank all my gin and ranted about pipe cleaners. Remember?
--Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!