Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 5-16-01):

Dear Kitty,

My wife and I each have very time-consuming, difficult jobs.  One of our greatest pleasures is sleeping late on the weekends.   We love to kick back, unwind, and relax after a hard week of work.

The problem is our neighbor.  He apparently enjoys mowing the lawn at 6 a.m. every Saturday morning, and we are simply unable to sleep.  He runs the mower directly outside of our bedroom window for lengthy periods of time.  Often he laughs and says "Enjoying that SLEEP in there, assholes?  Hahahahahaha!"

How can we have him killed and make it look like an accident?
--Homicidal in Houston

Dear Homicidal:  Why kill him when you can give him hell on earth?  How would one go about doing such a thing, you ask?  I have two words for you: surprise enemas.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am really, really, really, really incredibly fat and annoying.
--Rosie O'D.

Dear Rosie:  Bah.  You can't be as fat and annoying as that big ho from A League of Their Own.  Now that bitch was a tub of annoyance.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I bit a small child recently.  He told me I was infringing on one of his rights -- which one he said he didn't know.  I became frustrated with his constant legal babble, so I did what any self-respecting president of the U.S. might do.  I bit him, then proceeded to throw him in the path of a speeding car and ran.  Tell me truthfully -- did I do the right thing?
--Disturbed in Delaware

Dear Disturbed:  Of course you did.   Small children have been calling the shots way too much these days.  It's high time we bit back -- especially in the shins.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I recently learned that my 17-year-old daughter is sexually active.  I'm not happy about this, but as a mother I feel it is my duty to at least make sure she's safe.  I believe that now that she is having sex, she needs to go to the gynecologist regularly.

However, she refuses to go.  She's nervous about the process, and doesn't want some old guy poking around "down there."  When I respond by calling her a slutty whore who has no qualms about letting some idiot boy poke around down there with his filthy thing, she ran to her room and cried the rest of the day.

Any advice on how to handle this situation?
--Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear Puzzled:  Hmmmm...your daughter does sound like quite the whore.  You should just set her up with a gynecologist and hope he gets to see her vagina after taking her out to a McDonald's.  That's all it should take, right?  I mean, your daughter sounds like she'd drop her pants for the next penis-wielding miscreant that takes her on a date or two.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I have a very smelly problem.  My husband (I'll call him "Bill Clinton") simply refuses to shower more than once a month.

I try to explain to him how unsanitary that is, but he won't listen.  It has certainly put a huge damper on our sex life, but even that hasn't swayed him towards taking more showers.  He insists that good hygiene is overrated, and people only talk about it because the government has implanted the idea in their helpless minds as a means of "keeping us down."

I'm at my wit's end, Kitty.  Is my husband a closet French person?  What can I do?
--Overwhelmed by Odor in Ontario

Dear Overwhelmed:  I think every wife must face such a problem at some point in their life.  I, myself, felt it was in the best interest of my marriage if I hung annoyingly bright "I love Jesus" air fresheners all over the trailer until each one of my husbands relented.  It worked, plus it gave my quaint little home a fresh, pine-tree-meets-cherry-blossom smell.   Hope it works for you!
--Kitty Van Buren

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!