Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 3-26-01):

Dear Kitty,

I'm concerned.  My grandmother passed away just three weeks ago, and already my grandfather, now 88, has taken up dating again.   Recently he's been seen around town with a young, supple 72-year-old floozy named Edna whom he met at the bingo hall.

Kitty, is three weeks of grieving enough?  Shouldn't my grandfather pay his respects by refraining from dating for at least six months?  I thought that was the protocol.

Isn't this roughly the equivalent of pop-pop spitting on gramma's grave?
   --Depressed in Denver

Dear Depressed: A little spit-shine couldn't hurt Mom-Mom's grave.  Let's face it, her body's colder than Gillian Anderson's personality.  Besides, who gave you the right to keep ol' Pop-Pop from getting some?  Perhaps you could use a little ass yourself.  I commend Pop-Pop for his intrepid spirit.  As for you, I hope you join Mom-Mom in the searing pits of hell.
   --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

High Kitty you dont no me butt im Boogers girl.   I got a question to axe you so here goes.
 
My boyfriend Nose Pickens (aint his reel name) done kept atter me for a permanent committment an even gived me a nice vacation at a helth spa an has ben reel sweet but cept i aint heared from him now that he nos i like him.  I aint told him on acounta i ben playin hard to git but cept some budy else tolt him and now i reckon i done lost, him for ever.
 
Wat shuld i do?
   --Georg E (aint my reel name either)

Dear Georg E: This Nose Pickens sounds like he's simply playing hard to get.  Personally, I'd leave the health spa and go after him.  One method that never fails is the clothing method.  Simply break into his house, tenderly smell his clothing (be sure to take pictures of yourself doing this), and leave the pictures all over his house.   It'll really get him in the mood! 

Good luck!
   --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I recently went on a blind date with a hunka-hunka burnin' love, if you get my drift.  My problem is that I thought we hit it off great, but it's been a week and he hasn't called me.  Should I initiate contact, or just forget about it and consider it his loss?
   --As ever, Tootsietoes

Dear Tootsietoes: This fella sounds like he's simply playing hard to get.  You need to give him some extra attention.  Perhaps he needs a good kidnapping to turn his attention your way.   Good luck!  Tell me how things turn out!
   --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

i have a very active life online, and have many friends i talk 2 in chat rooms and such.  my problem is i think my "real life" friends r getting jealous.  i only spend 3-5 hours a day online, what is their deal?  sk8rdude thinks i should dump them. what should i do?
    --leo_is_hot@hotmail.com

Dear leo_is_hot:  I think you and sk8rdude should go fuck yourselves.  Also, Leo is NOT hot.  He's a pasty little girly twerp.  Larry King:  now that is a man.
   --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am a 47-year-old man who works for the CIA.   Recently, my country accused me of being a spy in cahoots with the Russians, and I don't know how to respond to this.
 
I've always been faithful to the USA, Kitty.  I don't know why they suspect such a thing, but I'm willing to get a blood test to prove my innocence.  My bigger concern is trust -- will my country and I ever be able to trust each other again?  Should we get international espionage counseling?
 
I'm worried, Kitty.
    --Morose in Moscow

Dear Morose:  Although I appreciate your inquiry, I cannot answer it at this time due to the fact that I don't give a flying fuck.   Please try again later.
   --Kitty Van Buren

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!