Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 2-7-01):
Dear Kitty,
I am 27 years old, and have an extreme obsession
with Tom Hanks. I can't help it, even though I know he is the inferior Busom
Buddy. What can I do?
--Confused in Oklahoma
Dear Confused: What the hell is wrong with
you?? Everyone knows that Buffy had no soul, no character, no reason to exist.
I suggest you receive some mental help pronto.
Heil Hildy!
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
My elderly mother (I'll call her
"Mom") was the victim of another scam last week. This marks the seventh
time this month mom has fallen for a get-rich-quick scheme.
Mom originally saw an ad in the paper that read as follows: "MAKE $$$$ AT HOME!
STICK YOUR FINGER UP YOUR ASS AND EARN $125-175/HR.! P/T OR F/T! CALL
555-RETARD!"
Well, mom went and stuck her finger up her ass, and damned if she actually lost money in
the deal. She had to pay for cousin Joey's food poisoning treatment -- after it was
obvious the turkey dinner she made for the family tasted funny.
Meanwhile, the company sent her nothing. Please make sure everyone is aware of this
scam so that none of our beloved incontinent parents fall for the same trick.
--Not Gullible in Gainesville
Dear Not Gullible: Yeah, I'm the one that started
that scam. Hook, line, and sinker. Love those grannies!
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I'm writing you today with tear-stained cheeks.
My two beautiful daughters, aged 15 and 13, died yesterday. They were here after
school with their friends, and someone got the idea that it would be fun to inhale
White-Out. Well -- several sniffs later, my daughters and all their friends had
passed away, their bodies stacked up like rag dolls. The scene looked like the Waco
aftermath, only with girls who hadn't been violated by David Koresh.
Anyway, the reason I'm so upset is that I can't claim any dependents anymore on my tax
returns. How am I supposed to make up for this loss? Do you think a bake sale
would work?
--Crushed in Cincinnati
Dear Crushed:
Here's what you do: Take a picture of your girls, tape their picture to a
coffee can, and cry while holding it out to people. You could even leave the can in
stores and come back for it later. Trust me, it works. I did it when my dad
died and I'm all the happier because of it. I'm especially happy when I'm driving
around in my new Jeep. Thanks Pops!
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
My young son is having a problem in gym class.
It seems he gets picked last for the team every single day. No matter what sport
they play -- baseball, basketball, dodgeball, bomb throwing, or football, he's always the
last one picked. It's a humiliating experience, Kitty, and he's come home crying on
more than one occasion.
Should I talk to his gym teacher about this problem? Don't you think there's a
better way to have fun playing sports without injuring a child's self esteem?
--Concerned in Corpus Christi
Dear Concerned: You want to
know what I think? I think your son should stop being such a pussy. Maybe he's
not getting picked because he's an unathletic geek. Or he's gay.
My solution? Kick him in the balls every day before school and tell him to shape up
or ship out. This'll build character, or at least damage the male genitals your son
obviously does not deserve.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
Can you stand one more "how we met"
story? Me neither, so I'm not sending one!
I'd actually like to know how to keep my hair from turning into a big rat's nest
every morning. I always wake up looking like Buckwheat. Any advice?
--Bedhead in Wisconsin
Dear Bedhead: You know, you're
a worthless motherfucker. Many would give their left nut to resemble Buckwheat in
any way. He is the cornerstone of this country, the air that we breathe, the soul
of this entire nation! So please, do not ever insult Buckwheat in my presence again.
You are not worthy to lick his feces.
--Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!