Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 3-17-02):

Dear Kitty,

I have to submit a paper I wrote for this English conference thing, and if they choose it, I have to read it at the conference.  I'm really nervous about it.
 
What would be the best way to buy off the judges so it's not selected?  The old "under the bathroom door" method, or subtle hints via email and expensive "gifts"?
-- Freaked in Frostburg

Dear Freaked:  If you have to read your paper at the conference, imagine everyone in their underwear.  I don't know how that'll help, but Screech suggested it to Lisa on Saved By the Bell once.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I have a serious problem with my neighbor that I don't know how to tactfully bring up.
 
Here's the problem in a nutshell.  My neighbor has wind chimes that wake me up every Saturday morning.  I like to sleep late, but those damn wind chimes just won't shut up.  This problem is ruining my life.  I can't concentrate at work, and I got so frustrated with the chimes last week that I cheated on my wife with a mindblowingly hot 21-year-old Hooters girl.
 
Should I murder my neighbor?
-- Fed Up in Fresno

Dear Fed Up:  No.  You should get breast implants and fondle yourself all day.  Then get drunk and come over my house.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

Idiots keep instant messaging me.  What do I do?!
-- AOL Junkie in Jefferson City

Dear AOL Junkie:  Suck my dick and call it a razorblade.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am a young college woman who is in a quandary.  I've been dating an athlete (I'll call him "Jocko") who is quite a charmer.  He's always quick with the wit, and he knows exactly how to talk to a woman.
 
My problem is, he also beats the living crap out of me on a nightly basis.  I kinda think I deserve it though, because it's usually for very important reasons like my forgetting to feed the dog a midnight snack, or forgetting his completion percentage from the 2000 football season.  People tell me it's wrong, but I just don't know.
 
Anyway, on the other hand, I know a very nice young man (I'll call him "Pussy") who adores me, waits on me hand and foot, and treats me like a queen.  I know he's in love with me, but somehow I'm just not attracted to him ... in THAT WAY.
 
My question to you, Kitty, is this:  How do I gently break Pussy's heart while rewarding Jocko's abusiveness with all the gorgeous poontang he could ever want?  I also want to keep Pussy around for ego purposes.  Thanks.
-- Had Abusive Dad in Danville

Dear Had Abusive Dad:  Simple.   There are eight sweet words that can get you exactly what you want: "Pussy, you're just like a brother to me."  Pussy will know he'll never get any, but will be too nice to abandon you.  Enjoy.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

Recently, I attended the funeral of my uncle.  During the wake, two of my nephews approached the casket and, while pretending to be solemn, subtlely manipulated the body's fingers to form an obscene gesture.

When the deceased's sister (a sweet 83-year-old woman) approached the casket, that's what was waiting for her -- her dead brother flipping her off!  The boys giggled hysterically as they watched from a distance.  What's worse, the old woman also began convulsing with laughter.  Soon, the whole chapel erupted in guffaws.

Am I wrong to be appalled?
-- Reverential in Riverdale

Dear Reverential:  Who do you thinkkkkkkksg;kkkdlkfjsnaaaa... [Kitty passed out on the keyboard while answering this question]
-- Kitty Van Buren

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!