Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 1-19-02):
Dear Kitty,
I redesigned my friends' two-bit website for free, but I haven't heard
from either of them since I sent them the finished product. Am I being snubbed?
Or are they just ignorant, selfish, ungrateful bastards?
-- Perplexed in Pennsylvania
Dear Perplexed: They are neither of the
adjectives you suggest. Obviously, your web-designing skills are as valuable as a
vagina in a gay bath house. Your friends must live by the saying, "If you can't
say something nice, don't say anything at all."
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
hi i am Bill Sexson and 24 years old. i liek College Sports and am
admining this message board. i hope you all come her and posts on a regular basics.
be a active member and i will be working on a website soon. a big suspirse comeing.
Dan Nystorm for the win. It good and the Gophers have beaten the number 2 team in the
counrty 24-23 Go GOlden Gophers Go
-- Twins34
Dear Twins: You got that right.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am a 41-year-old mother of a young teenage son. I try not to be
overbearing or overprotective, but it has come to my attention through various internet
history displays that my son has been surfing for porn on the net.
I am shocked and dismayed. I've told him he can't look at the internet for two
weeks, and in the meantime I'm going to configure my browser to block certain web sites.
Do you think I'm being too hard on my boy? Please advise.
Incidentally, Kitty, when I clicked on one of the web addresses in question, I saw a
picture of you naked with Robert Goulet. Shameful.
-- Concerned Mother in Morrisonville
Dear Concerned: Lighten up. Your son
can't help it if he wants some pussay.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I'm an elderly man who is having a great deal of trouble distinguishing
reality from fantasy.
You see, as I've aged in life, things sometimes tend to blend together. I start to
miss some subtleties that I used to pick up with sharp precision. I get exhasperated
very easily, because I'm no longer exactly sure of my place in the world, or of others'
places in the world. That juxtaposition forces me to... hmmm....
Kitty, is ALF real? I guess that's what I'm asking.
-- William J. Tanner
Dear Willie: Don't ask me
about reality. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that you've experienced
orgasmic pleasure with Kate.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am a 52-year-old man who divorced my ex-wife
approximately six years ago.
Since then, I've gone mostly bald. This is not really going over well with the
ladies, and my recent purchase of a red sports car has not helped matters one bit. I
almost want my nagging sack of shit of a wife back. It's getting that bad.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is... should I get a toupee? I mean, you're a washed
up hag but you've got a decent rack, so I'd nail you. But would YOU settle for a guy
with a rug? Level with me.
-- Flirtatious Oldie in Florida
Dear Flirtatious: Who cares about a rug?
I just look for one thing in a man: he-breasts.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!