Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 12-24-01):

Dear Readers:  Many of you sent in "helpful" little tidbits concerning stocking stuffers, last-minute shopping, and different ways to cook a turkey.  I used a majority of these pieces of mail to wipe my dog's ass.  Here are the only letters that are useful AND entertaining.
--Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

Around the holidays, putting the star on top of your Christmas tree is always the biggest problem one can face.  It's all the way at the top, and we're so short!  So I found a great way around this problem for anyone with a living grandparent.
 
Since old people are useless, I use my grandfather as a steppingstone on the way to the top of the tree.  I drag him out of his wheelchair (if he cries, stuff a dirty rag in his mouth), toss him to the floor, and step on top of him with star in hand.  That way, I can reach the top of the tree with no problems!
 
Pass this tip along to your readers, Kitty!
-- Family Man in Frostburg

Dear Family Man:  I tried this nifty idea back in 1988, but lost ol' grandpa in the process.  Sadly, he was the only grandparent I had left, so I'm forced to borrow my next door neighbor's grandmother for this task.   It's effective, but lacks that sense of family togetherness.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

What to do with that leftover holiday egg nog that nobody wants to drink anymore after Christmas is over?  This is a dilemma that we all face this time of the year.
 
Well, I've got a creative new solution.  Leave the egg nog in the fridge for six months (who's gonna notice?).  This should make it nice and crusty and sticky and gross.  Next, take a condom and pour a few drops into it.  Then, wait for your husband to arrive home staggering and drunk after yet another binge.  When he starts to lean back to throw his first punch at you, run off and retrieve the condom from your bedroom.  Throw it at him and say his best friend is great in the sack!!
 
What do you think, Kitty?
-- Devious in Decatur

Dear Devious:  One of the great things about your plan is that you'll still have a lot of egg nog left!  Just run it through a spaghetti strainer, and you'll have perfectly good egg nog with a bit of a kick!   Mmmm...just thinking about it now makes my crotch water.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

Most of us with families have faced this problem before.  It's Christmas day, and our 4-year-old daughter wants to watch Miracle on 34th Street, but daddy wants to watch the football game!  How do you settle that dilemma?

Well, I've come up with a creative solution, Kitty.  Have them arm wrestle for it!
-- Arbiter in Albany

Dear Arbiter:  I have an even better solution.   Give each of them a rifle and put them in the basement.  Whoever comes out alive is the winner.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

Every year when Christmas is over, I'm left with a lot of torn wrapping paper strewn around my house.  Everybody has this problem, but how to clean it up?
 
 Well, I've come up with a brilliant plan that's both clean and economical.  I feed bits of the wrapping paper to my kids (ages 5 and 7) for meals, until it's all gone!   It usually lasts a couple of weeks, and I save a ton of money on food.  I encourage all your readers to do the same.  It sure saved me a lot of headaches!
-- Efficient in Edinburgh

Dear Efficient:  I applaud your ideas.  It's people like you that make this kooky world of ours go 'round.  Have little Johnny gulp down some paper for me!
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

Here's a fun little trick to play on the kids and teach them a lesson at the same time!

My kids always forgot to feed our dog Patches, but after last Christmas they never forgot again!  Here's what you do: Have daddy dress up in a Santa suit and lay on the floor just before the kids come downstairs to open presents.  When the kids see Santa face down on the floor, say, "Oh no...Patches must've been so hungry he tried to eat Santa!"  After the kids stop crying and apologizing, you'll all have a good laugh. 

Try it!  It worked for us!
-- Bemused in Buffalo

Dear Bemused:  Brilliant scheme!  If I hadn't lost my uterus in the war, I would pull this trick every Christmas.  Thanks for giving me the greatest gift of all: a smile.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!