Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 11-28-01):
Dear Kitty,
I am an 83-year-old woman who is a far, far
superior advice columnist compared to you.
Recently, I've discovered that you suck even more than you usually do. I
noticed that I'm carried in many many more newspapers than you are, and that my
most prominent carrier is NOT a fictional talking fork. I realized that
the reason for this might be that I, unlike you, am conscious for more than
30 minutes a day.
But now to my question: Is there any way you could possibly suck worse than you
already do, you ugly two-bit hag?
-- Ann Landers
Dear Twat: Through I have readers dumber than
rocks, they are nevertheless mostly pre-menopausal. This is much more than I can say
about you, since a majority of your readers consist of women drier than a Slim Jim.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am the CEO of a very important company. Recently, I've begun
banging my secretary. Now, this isn't the first time I've cheated on my wife,
but this time the old lady found a foreign bra in the back seat of my Lexus. I
told her I just happen to enjoy frilly things, but I'm afraid she
knows something's up.
How can I continue my affair and keep my wife? She's really good at
ironing clothes, so I don't want to lose her.
-- Asshole in Asheville
Dear Asshole: I believe the answer is simple.
Just wear lipstick around the house for awhile, and the cross-dressing ploy should
work. Good luck! Give the secretary a bang in the ass for me!
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am a 2-month-old female fetus sharing a womb with my twin brother.
Recently, my brother -- I'll call him "Underdeveloped Tissue Mass" --
began groping me in a very inappropriate manner. He only began
*barely* developing his male genitalia two weeks ago, and already he is a
typical male pig. I can't keep his ugly stubs that will eventually develop
into hands off me.
Kitty, I guess my question is this: Should I be proactive and
begin constructing protest signs and filling out applications to Wellesley
College while waiting to be born, or should I hold off for a few years? How
about eating out other female fetuses as an angry backlash over being assaulted
by Underdeveloped Tissue Mass? Maybe I should prepare a rambling anti-man
diatribe for the day of my birth! It would be my own Vagina Monologue, literally!!
What do you think?
-- Future Heather in Hot Springs
Dear Heather: One has to wonder how you found
a laptop computer deep in the recesses of your mother's womb.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I'm a 29-year-old man who is dating my sister (I'll call her
"Betty Lou").
Recently, I've discovered that Betty Lou is seeing another man behind my back -- my
brother "Billy Joe". I, of course, am devastated about
this development, as I believe I've poured a lot of effort into our relationship.
I keep asking myself if I could've done anything different. I mean, maybe
I should've acquired an extra tooth, as Billy Joe has me beaten on that
count, 3-to-2.
Or maybe I shouldn't have stepped on her doll's head when I was 6. Looking back
on that (and the time I ate her last licorice stick after we trick-or-treated), I
guess I can understand why this bitterness resides in her.
Do you have any ideas on how I can mend my fences with the lovely Betty Lou?
-- Inbred in Irving
Dear Cousin Inbred: Just punch out Billy
Joe's first and second tooth, then wait for Betty Lou to come crawling back.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I'm contemplating having sex with my dog.
Advice?
-- Into Beastiality in Bethesda
Dear Bethesda: Advice? Three words:
Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!