Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat
and spews advice (updated 10-17-01):
Dear Kitty,
I've been married to my husband (I'll call him
"Osama") for almost four years now, and I just gave birth to our first child.
Since my pregnancy, I've picked up a few pounds here and there. I'd like to think
I'm still pretty close to my college weight, but the other day I asked Osama if I looked
fat. Instead of reassuring me that I wasn't, he told me it would be a good idea to
maybe lay off the ice cream once in awhile.
This really hurt my feelings, Kitty. We haven't spoken to each other much since he
made this hurtful comment, and now I'm starting to fear our marriage may be in trouble.
Do you have any advice on how to keep our romance alive?
-- Hurt Feelings in Huntington Beach
Dear Fatso: Don't worry about it. As
Sinbad once said, "If you're happy, be fat!" Let the cellulite surround
you like a gleeful atmosphere. As the rolls of fat that cling to your thighs jiggle
with every movement you make, smile and think of food. I hope this helps.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am a 37-year-old serial killer who enjoys raping small children in my
spare time.
Recently, my adorably cute trademark (leaving a sticker with a Mariners logo on my
victims' chins) was stolen by some cheap copycat murderer. When I found out about
this, I was steamed!
Not only am I going to get a completely BOGUS extra murder charge for this, I feel
incredibly violated. The guy didn't even do it right. He left the Mariners'
OLD logo from the pre-Griffey 80s teams on some old bitch's chin. Those uniforms
were hideous back then. Now the cops are going to think I'm losing my touch.
I'm devastated, Kitty. Any advice?
-- Serial Killin' in Kentucky
Dear Kentucky: I
think a vacation is in order. Take time to relax, reflect on life, and try to find a
new calling card. Ritual head shaving, perhaps? Or maybe something a bit more
classy. Like hand stamps that feature Michael Jackson's countenance. Good
luck.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
Have you ever seen Danny DeVito naked?
-- Danny's Wife in Wichita
Dear Wife: Yep.
--Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
Kitty, I am such a big fan! I've followed your career since you
first hit the scene in the early 80s, and I think you've always been great --
even though I can't really remember anything you've done since about 1989.
Anyway, I'm only 13 years old but I want to be a Vegas lounge singer just like
you! Do you have any advice about how to be as successful as you were? I want
to know how to be "the next Kitty."
And by the way, what HAVE you done since 1989?
-- Biggest Fan in Boise
Dear Fan: You want to be "the next
Kitty"? Okay, here's what you do: Get knocked up by some large frat boy at a
drunken party attended by people you've never met before. Spit out the kid, and get
a job cleaning dishes at a trashy club in Vegas. Become fed up with your job one
lonely night and get smashed with some cooking sherry. Stumble onto the shitty
makeshift stage and sing some Barry Manilow tunes you barely know the words to.
Start singing nightly and go on a brief tour of the dumps that many people like to call
nightclubs. Be a hit with lowlives for a week, then get dumped like yesterday's
condom. Get hired by some no-name web site featuring a fork, a talking tampon and a
hick you can barely understand. Crap out some worthless advice to people who need to
learn to take care of themselves. Use your earnings to make more drinking money and
wonder where the hell your life went wrong. THAT is how you become "the next
Kitty."
-- Kitty Van Buren
Dear Kitty,
I am an 8-year-old boy that doesn't feel well
this morning. I feel icky and my stomach hurts, and I feel like I really need to
miss school because I'm sick.
The problem is that I've faked being sick a lot of times before, and I don't think my
mommy's going to believe me. Is there any way to make her believe me again?
I'm really not a bad person.
-- Child in Chattanooga
Dear Child: You are a vile piece of shit.
Your mother slaves away to keep you in school, and look at you! You're
pathetic. I hope you have anthrax.
-- Kitty Van Buren
Got a problem? Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!