Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 6-9-02):

Dear Kitty,

I am a 21-year old mother of a sweet, adorable little girl.  I like to think I'm a responsible parent, but recently something happened that gave me brief pause.
 
This 5-year-old daughter of mine recently met a 63-year-old man after a three-minute chat on the internet.  Should I have not let her go meet this man in a secluded place?   Do you think this could have been dangerous?
-- Waiting for Morgan to Return in Rockford

Dear Waiting:  No wonder she ran off.   You're such a suffocating little bitch.  She's a grown woman now.  Cut the apron strings, you stifling, overprotective wanker.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I caught my 8-year-old son looking at a naughty magazine.  I like to think that my husband and I have raised him better than that.  What could a child possibly get out of looking at smutty pictures?  What should we do?
-- Shocked in St. Paul

Dear Shocked:  Here's an idea that will bring everyone together: Family Masturbation Night.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am a 47-year-old, bald Trekkie who sniffs women's panties for a living.  What would it take to get you to send me yours?
-- Incredibly Creepy In Carbondale

Dear Creepy:  I gave up panties in the summer of '89.  Sorry.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I've been a grade school teacher for 31 years, and one of the things I enjoy most about my job is hearing from former students.  I love learning what happened to the young minds I helped to mold.
 
For instance, one ex-student called me the day he was appointed to the Maryland Supreme Court!  And another returned to thank me for my role in her education, which led to her becoming the mayor of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.
 
Kitty, I think it would be a beautiful thing if all of your readers would commit to contacting their favorite teachers from the past, and thanking them.  You should do it too, Kitty.  I guarantee you that any of your teachers would love to hear about the slutty, drunken, chain smoking, foul-mouthed old hag that you've become.
-- Educator in Evansville

Dear Educator:  Your dad sucked my dick last night.
-- Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I am a 14-year-old high school freshman boy who is very confused about my sexuality.  I know God says I'm supposed to like women, but I have incredible, powerful urges to hump goats.
 
Other kids in my class are starting to wonder why I don't have girlfriends, and the pressure is really mounting (no pun intended).  I'm thinking of hijacking the microphone at the next school assembly, and announcing my fetish in front of the entire student body.
 
I assume this would bring me closure.  You don't think I'd get teased for this or anything, do you?
-- Goat Humper in Gainesville

Dear Goat Humper:  Go for it.  Sing it loud and proud.
-- Kitty Van Buren

P.S.:  I've often been told that I resemble a goat from behind.

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!

Want more Dear Kitty Van Buren?
Check out her classic How We Met column.
See her column from January 26, 2001.
See her column from February 7, 2001.
See her column from March 2, 2001.
See her column from March 26, 2001.
See her column from April 16, 2001.
See her column from May 16, 2001.
See her column from June 7, 2001.
See her column from June 22, 2001.
See her How We Met column from July 25, 2001.
See her column from August 15, 2001.
See her column from September 5, 2001.
See her column from October 17, 2001.
See her column from November 28, 2001.
See her column from December 24, 2001.
See her column from January 19, 2002.
See her column from March 17, 2002.