Kitty Van Buren dons her Internet Advice Columnist hat and spews advice (updated 3-2-01):

Dear Readers:   Several readers have decided to stop complaining about their denture cream to tell us about the wacky stuff some criminals are doing out there.  Let me tell you right now, these stories are a hoot.  I couldn't control my giggles when I came across these little gems.  Enjoy!
   --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I found this story in the Chicago Daily Urine, and I thought it was a hoot.  I figured you would enjoy it as much as I.   It had me laughing for hours.  Here it is:

"A man was arrested today for brutally murdering a mother and her two small children with a melon baller.  When asked why he performed such a gruesome act, the suspect claimed that he did it to honor Satan."
   --Tickled Pink in Peoria

Dear Peoria: Thanks a bunch!  I couldn't quell my chuckles when I read your letter.  This crazy world needs more people like you and Vincent Price.  May God bless you in your future endeavors.  Now, readers, here are some more...
  --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

When I heard about this on the television, I knew you'd love it.

A woman in south Florida was walking her dogs one day when she was kidnapped, sodomized, and left for dead.  Apparently, it was done to her by her jealous ex-boyfriend.  What a crazy coot.  I was tickled pink when I read this, and I knew you would feel the same way.
   --Giggling in Gadsden

Dear Kitty,

I found this story in the Palooka Picayune, and I thought it was a hoot. I figured you would enjoy it as much as I. It had me laughing for hours. Here it is:

"Family and friends of four young waitresses are still recovering after a man robbed, raped, and brutally murdered the young women last week at the Teen Sock Hop in downtown Palooka.

Incredibly, under questioning, the man flatly admitted that he failed to leave a tip.   He was arrested on the spot."
    --Guffawing in Greenville

Dear Kitty,

I saw this in the Kansas City Pickyournose, and I was left chuckling for the rest of the day.

"A man in his late 20s robbed a bank yesterday, getting away with over $100,000 in cash.  Exiting the bank in a scramble to escape, he charged across the street without going to a corner and looking both ways.  He was promptly flattened by a mammoth 18-wheeler.

The man was scraped off the pavement with a spatula, and was immediately charged with jaywalking by local authorities.  He was 28."
   --Spit-Taking in Springfield

Dear Kitty,

I'm sure you'll crack up when you read this one, Kitty.  One day, I gave my virginity to some bastard named Kitty Van Buren.   When I told her I was pregnant, she just called me a whore and ran off.   Funny, huh?
   --Pissed in Pawtucket

P.S.-  All that alcohol must have really fucked up your body, because men weren't supposed to get pregnant the last time I checked.

Dear Ed:  Stop writing to me.  I want nothing to do with you or our bastard of a son Pablo. You shouldn't have been sleeping around, baby.  I mean, it's not my responsibility if you get pregnant.  You could've just said "No."  Anyhoo, I'm going out for a drink with the guys now.  Stay sweet and keep those legs closed.
   --Kitty Van Buren

Dear Kitty,

I saw this story in the New York Daily Snot and I just had to send it in. It's worth some giggles.

"A man in his early 30s battered, strangled, and raped a young woman who was returning to her apartment complex around 11:30 in the evening.  Although everyone in the complex could clearly hear the desperate woman's wails for help, they were too busy watching that night's Mama's Family rerun to be disturbed.

The woman, 23, died in a bloody heap on the doorstep.  Meanwhile, Vint and Naomi's squabble was resolved when Mama (Vicki Lawrence) forced them to switch roles for a day!"
   --Laughing in Lexington

Dear Laughing:   Whip out the wet noodle, I'm feeling naughty.
    --Kitty Van Buren

Got a problem?   Write to kitty@tobyvision.com, and maybe the drunken one will respond to your letter in the next column!