Installment No. 1:  Interview With the Tampon

Jose The Magic Tampon is America's latest superhero, and is scheduled to take the nation by storm in mid-to-late January.  In preparation for this momentous fad, we secured an interview with the eccentric Jose himself.  We visited Mr. The Magic Tampon outside his palacial estate in Brentwood, Calif., and the rest, as they say, is history.

Tobyvision.com: So, Jose -- tell us a little bit about yourself.

JTMT:  I am a sexy little imp of a tampon that was bestowed with the power to kick some maxi pad ass.  How magic am I?  Just ask my ever-expanding stable of whores.


Tobyvision.com: Have you always been a tampon?

JTMT: In the 1930s, for a brief time, I was President Roosevelt.

Tobyvision.com: What are your special powers?

JTMT:  I have super-absorbency, while you do not.  I have the power to love women like they have never been loved before, while you do not.  I have menstrual radar, while you do not.   Basically, I am much better than you.

I have the ability to stop floods.  That's right.  Remember Hurricane Andrew?  Remember all that destruction in Florida?  Well, you see, I was getting my nails done that day.  Ha!  Proof that I am a magic tampon who can limit flood damage!  In retrospect, I'm glad I let that thing devastate the penis state, because, let's face it, those assholes can't even vote properly.

Tobyvision.com:  How did you GET those special powers? What are you hiding?

JTMT:  I hide nothing.  I got my powers from Cecil, Lord and Protector of Tampons.  I was created to stop evil maxi pad companies like PauloPads and OhSoDry Pads.  I, Jose the Magic Tampon, am here to show women and men alike that tampons are the only way to go.  Um, by preventing floods in the Midwest.

Tobyvision.com:  Do you like the ladies, or do you just use them and toss them aside, like Diane Sawyer alleges?

JTMT:  Listen, you buttfucking fool: I LOVE women. It is THEY that toss ME aside after six to eight hours during menstruation.

Tobyvision.com:  What part did you play in the Teapot Dome Scandal?

JTMT:  It was my job to tell President Harding that he was an extremely dull man.  I mentioned that he should hurry up and die, so that the irresistably hilarious Calvin Coolidge could take over and electrify the country.

Tobyvision.com:  There were rumors that you wanted to ban the song "Cheeseburger in Paradise".  Is this true?

JTMT:  Only in 23 states. You see, I have no problem with Jimmy Buffet. I really don't. It's just that the line "I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french fried potato, big kosher pickle..." is insulting to my Jewish heritage.  So actually, I do have a problem with Mr. Buffet, that cocksucking wedgie of a human being.

Tobyvision.com:  It says here you were nearly aborted, before your mother got distracted by a Laverne & Shirley rerun. How has this trauma affected your golf game?

JTMT:  Besides the fact that I have no arms or legs, my golf game has not been affected.  Well, no -- my short game has suffered a bit, but I blame the pathetic interns who can't mow the greens properly.  Nothing is ever my fault, you see.  I stop floods.

Tobyvision.com:  Nasal spray. Why?

JTMT:  I often ask myself the same question.  As you all know, nasal spray brainwashes women worldwide.  Nasal spray causes women to use maxi pads galore, which do not give two flying fucks about women's needs.  Women of Earth!   Hear my cry!  Only tampons like myself will keep you truly comfortable!

Tobyvision.com:  What's that smell? Is that you, Jose?

JTMT:  You'd smell too if you just went through six hours of being suspended in menstrual fluid.

Tobyvision.com:  Is it true that no one loves you?

JTMT:  Dave Coulier seems to love me, though I wish he didn't.

Tobyvision.com:  Legend has it that sometime in 1985, you blew Lex Luthor for an extra slice of pizza. Comments?

JTMT:  I blew Luthor for a slice of lemon merangue pie (and it was worth it, by the way). I don't know how these rumors get started.

Tobyvision.com:  Where'd my ass go?

JTMT:  How can you miss it? Your head's clear up it.

Tobyvision.com:  How would the Dukakis campaign have been different if you had been in charge?

JTMT:  Well, I'd have ditched that goddamn tank idea in about half a second.  Susan Estrogen sure ran a hell of a campaign, didn't she?  Also, I'd have probably raped and murdered Kitty Dukakis to take the heat off my man Bernie Shaw for asking that loaded question.  Man, that was something.  Oh, finally, I'd have prevented the flood of Reagan supporters to Bush!   Ha ha!  I made a funny.  Next?

Tobyvision.com: Ginger or Mary Ann?

JTMT: You know, everyone gets asked this question at one time or another, and it's my understanding that you're pretty much supposed to say Mary Ann because she's the "cute" one.  You're supposed to reject Ginger and all the Hollywood glitz and glitter that supposedly came with her.  But you know, anyone who says that is gay.  Ginger is hot.  You think Mary Ann was easy pussy to get into?   Shit, man, those girl-next-door types barely even let tampons in.  From one who knows.

Tobyvision.com:   What about Carrie Ann?

JTMT:  Carrie Ann's a sweet girl.  She used me back in the 80s. I remember quite well. Medium to heavy flow...spacious birth canal...

The Hollies kick ass.

Tobyvision.com:  Does the color scheme of this web site make you spew vomit outright, or does it merely make your stomach churn?

JTMT:  It makes me want to be in Cabaret.

Tobyvision.com:  Ouch. I appear to have been kicked in the groin.

JTMT:  Yeah. Tell your friends.

NOTE: Jose The Magic Tampon's adventures begin soon here on Tobyvision.com.  Be sure to check back soon for Jose's escapades -- and merchandise, where you will be able to fill our coffers with your hard-earned cash so that you can wear a shirt with a smiling tampon on the front.