(Insensitive Title Removed)

ALRIGHT, dammit.

Yes, I realize that some of you think I am lazy. But you've got to understand that these past couple of months have been extremely trying. First of all, DNA be damned, I AM Anna Nicole's baby daddy (I mean, look at Dannilynn -- she looks JUST like me, goll!). So I've been trying to get that all straightened out.

And then I really took a bath when I bet my entire life savings on my NCAA Tournament bracket. In retrospect, perhaps a Niagara/Eastern Kentucky championship game was unlikely, but I've never been one for the safe pick. Look, I had a feeling! Like you've never been wrong about anything.

So I've been working as a fluffer to make back my life savings (I wouldn't recommend this), and to top it all off, I have now been fired. Yes, fired. Why? Well, it all started when I quietly mentioned to Denise, my best girl, that Don Ho had died. I think she took it the wrong way, because the next thing I knew, Al Sharpton was in my living room yelling at me and coiffing his hair. Then Jesse Jackson showed up, also yelling at me and coiffing Al's hair.

Well, that was only the beginning. What followed was the most intense media scrutiny I've ever faced. Talking heads on every channel began debating whether I should be allowed to live. It started to get really surreal when the Rutgers women's basketball team showed up at my door quoting Maya Angelou and telling me I'd ruined their lives. Apparently, the pressure built to the point where I was relieved of my fluffing duties.

Sadly, that is not where our story ends. Let's just say that one thing led to another, and right now, just outside my jail cell, the Rutgers team, Maya Angelou, Jesse, Al, Oprah, and several of Don Ho's, well, hos all stand outside with rifles. In a moment, I will be gunned down by all of them (normally, one shooter will have blanks to spare everyone's conscience, but in this case all guns will be loaded because my offense was so great). Afterwards, they will each take turns urinating on my corpse. Then, my lifeless urine-soaked body will be tossed into a lion's den, where I will be torn to shreds and eaten. When the lions crap me out, their stool will be mounted on what was formerly my home underneath the caption: "This is what happens to forks who are insensitive."

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is... my condolences to the family of Don H-.