2007 Resolutions for 2007

Well, it's the New Year. Happy 2007, everyone! I was sitting around the other day thinking about all sorts of original bloggy ideas I could bring to the table in this new year. And then it hit me -- resolutions! Why, in this great country of ours, with so many bright and creative thinkers, hasn't anyone thought of such a scheme? You resolve to do things in the new year that will improve things over the previous year. It's so simple and yet, indeed, it opens the door to the web of hopes and dreams that make up the complicated tapestry that is my brain.

In short, I am brilliant. And here are my resolutions.

* I resolve to stop showing off my vocabulary. Mostly it just results in jumbled messes such as the one seen a few sentences ago. Yes, Toby, you were an English major. We get it.

* I resolve to finally propose to Denise the Fork. I will hide the engagement ring in her favorite steak. Then, when her prongs penetrate said steak, she will bump right into the ring and begin weeping and doing all that girly shit they like to do. Then I will say, "Just kidding," and we'll all have a good laugh in the end.

* I resolve to resolve to lose 10 pounds, then actually gain 10 pounds, then chortle and go, "Well, gettin old, ya know? Eh heh heh." Then I will proudly pat my spare prong tire while millions of teenage girls continue to starve themselves because they don't look like Scarlett Johansson. And we'll all have a good laugh in the end.

* Even though I hardly watch any television, I resolve to watch less TV. Y'know, because it sounds good to say that. Maybe I can become one of those people that brags every three seconds about not owning a television. From there it's just a short leap to smelling my own farts. I can't wait!

* In conjunction with the above resolution, I resolve to get going on that gastrointestinal system I've been meaning to develop.

* I resolve to develop a new, innovative way to spell "resolve" that will involve a Q, a Y, and possibly Avogadro's number.

* I resolve to invent an elaborate conspiracy involving the death of Gerald Ford. I will concoct this conspiracy theory whilst learning to speak breathlessly and four times faster than normal. Soon, I will become an internet phenomenon, with thousands of blogs pushing my theory that the Jews wanted Ford eliminated because Halliburton had its panties in a bunch over Castro faking an illness and that Saddam body double that was hung in Iraq, which were both done to take the focus off the commies and freemasons taking the old boy down in order to win a bet with a 117-year-old Adolf Hitler (who currently resides on a staged set depicting the surface of the moon) that stated that no ex-Michigan football player could turn down a shot at the NFL and still live to see 94. 33% of Americans will completely buy into it, and we'll all have a good laugh in the end.

The other 2000 resolutions will be revealed slowly and spread out throughout my blogs through March of 2018.