(Insensitive Title Removed)
ALRIGHT, dammit.
Yes, I realize that some of you think I am lazy. But you've got to understand that these past couple of months have been extremely trying. First of all, DNA be damned, I AM Anna Nicole's baby daddy (I mean, look at Dannilynn -- she looks JUST like me, goll!). So I've been trying to get that all straightened out.
And then I really took a bath when I bet my entire life savings on my NCAA Tournament bracket. In retrospect, perhaps a Niagara/Eastern Kentucky championship game was unlikely, but I've never been one for the safe pick. Look, I had a feeling! Like you've never been wrong about anything.
So I've been working as a fluffer to make back my life savings (I wouldn't recommend this), and to top it all off, I have now been fired. Yes, fired. Why? Well, it all started when I quietly mentioned to Denise, my best girl, that Don Ho had died. I think she took it the wrong way, because the next thing I knew, Al Sharpton was in my living room yelling at me and coiffing his hair. Then Jesse Jackson showed up, also yelling at me and coiffing Al's hair.
Well, that was only the beginning. What followed was the most intense media scrutiny I've ever faced. Talking heads on every channel began debating whether I should be allowed to live. It started to get really surreal when the Rutgers women's basketball team showed up at my door quoting Maya Angelou and telling me I'd ruined their lives. Apparently, the pressure built to the point where I was relieved of my fluffing duties.
Sadly, that is not where our story ends. Let's just say that one thing led to another, and right now, just outside my jail cell, the Rutgers team, Maya Angelou, Jesse, Al, Oprah, and several of Don Ho's, well, hos all stand outside with rifles. In a moment, I will be gunned down by all of them (normally, one shooter will have blanks to spare everyone's conscience, but in this case all guns will be loaded because my offense was so great). Afterwards, they will each take turns urinating on my corpse. Then, my lifeless urine-soaked body will be tossed into a lion's den, where I will be torn to shreds and eaten. When the lions crap me out, their stool will be mounted on what was formerly my home underneath the caption: "This is what happens to forks who are insensitive."
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is... my condolences to the family of Don H-.
posted by Toby The Fork @ 3:06 PM
21 Comments:
Hay Tobe win yew git back from yer ummmm journey i no sumbudy alookin fer a peanybubba cooky presser no speary ants nessasshairy.
Didnt yew jus love it win that thar guy on Hawaii Five Ho sayd bookem Don Ho? Guest we wont be ahearin that no moor.
Yer Fiend,
Georgie
Hay Ardie were yew at gril fiend? Let me x-stink yew a purseandnail immitation two help me beet up on ole Tobe fer ausin tha wird Ho on acounta i mush purrfurr Lady ah tha Night dont yew?
BFF,
Georgie
I can't even put into words how insulted I am at Ardie's absence. What sort of person goes weeks and weeks without saying anything? I'll tell you. A lazy, no-good bum.
I can tell you that under NO circumstances would I stay silent for so long. Why can't more people be like me?
Happee Sink-o tha Mayo ever budy!
Georgie-o
Hi ever budy!
Sorry I have been absent. I seem to have accidentally developed a "life." But don't worry, I will be back to my old self soon enough, and then, look out! I'm gonna kick some ass.
~ardie
Ardie,
EWWWWWWWW!!! A *life*? Gross! Get rid of it! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!
No, seriously. I would like to take this opportunity to express my supreme disappointment and, yes, even disgust with you. To turn your back on Georgie and I in this manner is unacceptable. Until you change your ways, you will be known as one of those... LIFE people. Ugh. The mere mention of it makes my stomach turn.
SELLOUT!
Sell out... with me tonight, sell out... with me, oh yeah... the record company's gonna give me lots of money and everything's gonna be....
Oh. Sorry. Got a bit sidetracked there. Well, I hope you come back to the fold. Next thing I know, Georgie's going to come busting in here talking about having a life. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS FAMILY?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Whale i half two emit that onst win i wus yunger an foolisher i dappled wit halfin ah life jus a littel bit ceptn i didunt like it on acounta it inner feared wit my day to daze activities sos i quit.
Butt i new they wus gonna bee truble wenst Ardie dun got that thar mini scooper an lets jus hope she comes two hur census befour she starts dueing stuff wit peephole an stuff. EWWWWWWWWWWW
Fiends Ferheffer,
Georgie
Ah, Georgie, so profound. Oh, sure, maybe there's a misspelled word here or there, but the years have truly given you wisdom.
I know that neither you nor I would ever let a mini scooper come between friends, but obviously not everyone feels that way. To me, friendship is the most important thing in the --
Wait, Cubs game is on, gotta go.
Profound?? i aint sayed won profound wird on this hear hole littel story thang an i neffer will on acounta cuss wirds aint in my bowlcapillary on acounta i dont cotton to that kind ah shit.
Butt aint them little bare cubs cute?
BFF
Georgie
I hear those bear cubs are vicious killers.
Yeah, my Mini Scooper is great. I'm so popular now! Just last night, I picked up seven of my closest friends, and we drove out to the coolest club in Hoboken. Well, actually, we went to the hospital first; a few of my friends suffered back and neck injuries trying to get into the car. And, actually, once at the hospital, we had to get everyone OUT of the car, where more injuries were suffered. But after all that, we had a blast at the club! Well, actually, we more just sat around the club since so many of my friends had crutches and wheelchairs. And they couldn't drink because of the medication, but otherwise it was great!
~Ardie
Boy, I thought it took ME a long time to respond...
Sawry Ardi i bean aspendin all my time alookin fer a mini scooper sos id bee popular two ceptn i coodnt fine won sos i got this hear pooper scooper butt it aint ahtrackin the write kind of peephole ifn yew no what i meen.
Alls i got to ride ahrond in is this hear Gee-oh Prison butt it aint maid me popular cause i aint never got to take seven peephole to the hopspilltal butt i did sea a Hobo ceptn i dont no ifn he was Ken or knot.
Were is that no good Tobe man at?
Boy i thunk it tookt ME a long time to resbond...
Im board. sumbudy knees to tale me a storeey. Is that thar two mush to axe?
Yer Fiend
Georgie
Wow, on a lark I decide to check and see if Toby vision was still around and Toby is still alive and has a blog even!
Are you running in 2012? If you win could you maybe let me back in the country?
Yours in Christ,
*****
Who the hell is anonymous?
Win does Toby git out ah jale? Enybudy no?
Georgie
Well, what with arson thrown in with all the other charges, it could be quite some time just to get to trial. I can't believe the bail was set so high -- that guy wasn't even killed during the whole thing; and Toby only had the waffle iron in his car, the stripper had the sneakers! Hardly enough evidence to convict.
We're pulling for you Tobe!
~Ardie
(I'm just being anonymous because i cant remember my password. grr)
Oh I love that thar sho dont yew cept not the nu million dollar one the old won with Betty Wipe an Charles Nelson O'Reily. Dont yu thank he wus a lot funier in that sho then he is on his nu sho The O'reily Fracture?
Poor Tobe is tha vicktum of racehisum pure and symbal. i garhentea ifn he was a spoon or nife he woodunt even bean charged with nuttin. Da man jus loves astickin it to forks an they cant help it ifn they aint as good as other utensils. I got a plan to git him out what involves tuny salit butt that thars alls i kin say write now.
Hits nyce two here from yew Ardie i wus awondering how yew wus.
BFF,
Georgie
Hi everyone. This is Steve posting under Toby's account. Obviously Toby can't make it at the moment, because... well, I guess it's pretty much known now.
In any event, never mind any of that. OMG OMG WE HAVE TO FIND ARDIE'S PASSWORD! OMG LOL OMG!!!!!!!!
Seriously though, this cannot stand. Let's all try to help Ardie remember her password. Let's think... what could it be? What does Ardie like?
My first guess...
"Klopfenstein"
Thank you.
Thanks Steve, I just might use that from now on! How's Toby, that lazy no good pointy thing?
~Ardie
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