Amoxisilliness

Hey kids, let me tell you something. I would highly advise all of you not to get the flu. I know -- you probably want to. You're probably thinking, "But all the cool kids are doing it!" I know there are temptations, but this is not a good thing. You'll be lying there unable to move. You'll have a fever of 103. They'll try to give you cat medicine. It's awful. Don't do it. Just say no to the flu.

No, seriously. They will give you cat medicine. I am not playing around. In fact, I am starting to suspect that health care professions are the biggest ripoffs in the world, because it appears all these guys do is prescribe amoxicillin. Think about it -- what happens when the human that leeches off of me gets the flu? He gets amoxicillin. What happens when said human's cat gets an ear wound that's oozing pus? Amoxicillin. Finally, what happens when I, a plastic fork, get the flu? Amoxicillin.

So please allow me, Dr. Toby, with my zero seconds of medical training, to prescribe medication for the world's most vexing conditions. Alzheimer's? Try some amoxicillin! Cushing's syndrome? Why, I think I have just the tonic. Amoxicillin! Elephantitis mixed with progeria? I think we all know what the antidote is, my fellow Americans.

In fact, perhaps one can stretch the logic of this rapidly failing running joke to include non-medical conditions. War not going so well in Iraq? Amoxicillin for everyone! South America about to be hit with an asteroid that will destroy all life? Why, I think I have just the ----------

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Hi, guys. This is Steve, the human referenced above. I have just clubbed Toby with a blunt object, and he is currently unconscious. I would just like to apologize for this monstrosity of a blog entry. It sure seems like, after two months, you could have expected something a little better. I'd like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Kickass Kwanzaa, a Rockin Ramadan, and a Whopping Whatever Else I Might Have Forgotten. Please stay safe, unless you are Danny Bonaduce, in which case it wouldn't totally break my heart if you accidentally ran into a tree. Nighty night.