I've Got a Hot Date For You

(Note: This blog entry was written with care in late August of last year, scheduled to run on August 29, 2005. Due to certain unforeseen circumstances, Toby was unable to post his column. So, without further ado, one year later in its original form, here it is.)

Ahhhhh, August 29th. I think that, amongst all the dates on the calendar, this one towers above all the rest.

What other date can boast the anniversary of the first minting of copper coins in Japan? Ah ha! You can't name one, because there isn't one! August 29, 708. You were doubting the glory of August 29th? Read it and weep, you Nazi bastard.

Anyone that knows me knows how much I love 13th century popes. They've always been a passion of mine. Well, guess what August 29, 1261 brought us? That's right. The coronation of Pope Urban IV, an era where men were men, popes were men, and they had no problem jumping on other people's wives and sure, the occasional little boy, but hey, back then it was laughed off! I digress, though. I don't know too much about ol' Urban IV, but I'm guessing he raped with panache, and for that I say thank you, August 29, 1261! August 29th comes through yet again!

Another product of my favorite date: The Treaty of Picquigny. Crap if I know what the hell that is, but as an August 29th treaty (year 1475), I bet it's the best treaty ever.

On August 29, 1833, England abolished slavery. What -- are you saying you support slavery? No? Well then you must agree on the absolute incomparability that is August 29th. GOD I love this date.

Not that I need any more proof that August 29th totally rocks the world, but just for the record, the Soviet Communist Party was officially suspended on this date in 1991. What -- are you saying you support Commies? No? Well, in that case, your only possible option is to bow down and worship the very ground August 29th walks on. You're not worthy to carry its jockstrap, but just this once, you can lick its footprints.

As I have clearly laid out in this thought-provoking piece, August 29th is the most wonderful thing ever. If you think otherwise, you are Nazi Communist fascist propaganda-loving slavery-supporting miserable scum, and you deserve to die.

August 29th, the best date ever. Nothing bad will ever happen on it.