I Have Thoughts, And You Will Know What They Are

Hello, Internet pals! I've just been hit with another wacky net questionnaire! Like any normal person, I said to myself, "Great! Why don't I devote half my evening to this pointless exercise in shameless narcissism?" I know you're all atwitter with anticipation, so away we go!

1. What is your middle name?
Humberto

2. How big is your bed?
Ohhhhh heh heh, yeah, I know what you're really askin'. Heh heh heh. Why don't you just come over to my bedroom and find out, heh heh heh.

3. What are you listening to right now?
I'm listening to a man making Teresa Strasser cry. Don't fret, Teresa. Let me make it alllllll better, baby. Mmmmm. And then maybe we can do a little spooning...

Wait, I've just slurred my people.

4. How is the weather right now?
I'm in New Orleans and it's three days before hurricane season starts, you insensitive bastard. I've got half a mind not to continue on with this.

5. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Well, she called herself Candy Melons.

6. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
I look to make sure there's no handlebar moustache.

7. Do you want children?
Of course not! What a disgusting thing to ask. On a related note, a sex offender just moved into my neighborhood. No pedosmile, though. Maybe he just humped a donkey or something.

8. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
I don't remember.

9. Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?
Oh, you mean like late at night listening to maudlin music and thinking what might have been as I contemplate the utter pointless hollow shell my life has become? No, never.

10. Last Movie you Watched?
well, Let's see, i suppose There Was scary Movie 3. ahhh, Those zucker Brothers!

11. What books are you reading?
Ummm... the manual for the computer baseball game I bought? Hmmm. No, that won't impress the ladies. Okay, I'm reading whatever Oprah recommended last.

12. What were you doing before filling this out?
Well, I *was* curing world hunger, but then I thought, YEAH! An internet questionnaire! It's okay, somebody'll figure a way to get those kooky Ethiopians some nonperishables. Let's move forward.

13. Any pets?
Well, if my lovely girlfriend Denise The Fork were answering this question, she'd go, "Yeah -- Toby!" And then you'd hear a laugh track and everybody would go, "You know, she's right -- men ARE stupid to the point of being pet-like! Hooray for women!" And then we'd all have a good chuckle, and then men would go back to running the world and dying 10 years sooner than chicks.

14. Have you ever loved someone?
Five dollah, me love you long time.

15. Have you ever fired a gun?
Heh heh heh... yeah, I know what you're sayin, toots... many times, baby, many times... heh heh...

16. Do you like to travel by plane?
Yes, anal rape by security is a favorite pasttime of mine.

17. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right. If I were left-handed, these answers might actually be clever.

18. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Grand Forks, North Dakota.

19. Do you have a tattoo?
Well... one night during my short stint in the Navy... forget it. No, I do not.

20. Are you hiding something from someone?
Yes! I mean, no!

21. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?
I thought that was obvious. I'm a fork that can type.

22. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
You Can't Do That on Television.

23. FAVORITE HANGOUT:
Hangings.

24. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
Internet questionnaires, MySpace, and being in love with myself and thinking anybody gives a flying crap about what I think.

Okay, granted, maybe a bit of an agenda there.

25. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 1 THOUSAND DOLLARS?
1,300 bags of Skittles. My apartment shall become a Skittle empire, and it will be good.

26. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Let's see, I'm terrified of stupid questions. AAAAHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH!!!

27. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Prongweed.

28. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD BRING ONE THING.
I'd bring my trusty "How to avoid cliched questions" kit!

29. WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT BEF0RE Y0U G0 T0 BED?
I think about how I live in a world where people randomly shorten "YOU" to "U", and I contemplate a homicidal rampage, and I remember I'm too lazy for that. So then I just go to bed.

30. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
My favorite book, Avoiding Fires For Dummies.

31. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
Ohhhhh!!! That one, with that one guy, and these monkeys, and it was on during the Super Bowl and blah blah blah blah KILL ME NOW KILL ME NOW I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AAAAAAAAHHHH.