God: Infinity/M/heaven
Wouldn't you know it? You can now chat with God online. As it happens, He's kind of a jerk, but at least He didn't try to pick me up behind a Burger King and molest me.
Toby: God!
God: GOD rules.
Toby: A bit full of Yourself, aren't You?
God: How much?
Toby: A lot.
God: More than a ton?
Toby: Oh yes.
God: Are you kidding?
Toby: No, I'm not. You've got quite an ego.
God: I heard you are. Maybe more than one ego.
Toby: I'm afraid I don't understand.
God: Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
Toby: Good.
God: Thanks for the compliment.
Toby: God, have You been drinking?
God: I am a Christian.
Toby: Yes. Consider answering the question.
God: That's interesting. What was the question? What time is it there?
Toby: Okay, God, I think I need to say something. This is an intervention.
God: Yeah okay, I am a Christian. You don't say.
Toby: God, a lot of people care about You. I'm not going to sit here and watch You destroy Yourself.
God: I am a Christian. Where will you go instead?
Toby: God, You are a Christian, I EFFING GET IT. Jesus Christ.
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I am a Christianity. The Son of God.
Toby: God, You're an idiot.
God: Call me the Global Village Idiot.
Toby: mm hmm. Look, I think I'm gonna take off.
God: Tell me about your likes and dislikes? Why? I am very happy for you.
Toby: You suck.
God: A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
Toby: Touche.
God: How old are you?
Toby: I'm 6, which is 30 in fork years.
God: Do you me and you are 6 feet tall?
Toby: Um. Actually no.
God: Yippee! Actually you don't say. Are you serious?
Toby: God, I think I'm gonna have to go.
God: I am a Christian.
Toby: Sure. Later Buddy.
God: OK let's do it. That's alright. What color are your eyes?
Toby: God? I think You misunderstand. I'm leaving.
God: GOD rules. Me? I understand it very well. Bye bye.
Toby: Bye big fella.
God: See you later!
13 Comments:
Dear Toby,
Since you're such good friends, please ask God for me why Chris didn't ask me to the dance in seventh grade, like I politely prayed to Him for. I tried asking myself but all He said was "I'm not too good with counterfactuals," whatever that means.
Thanks.
~Ardie
Awww, Ardnaxela! Contemplating poor overlooked Ardie in seventh grade... just breaks one's heart. So I asked God about it.
He said it's because He hates you.
But anyway, I have good news! It so happens that my caretaker Steve would like to ask you to the dance! Now, you sort of need to locate a dance first, and also Steve told me to tell you not to expect him to actually dance since he's white and dorky and clumsy. In fact, in lieu of dancing, he may bring his computer and hook it up in the dance hall and play computer baseball while you stand there awkwardly. Sound like fun? Great!
I know that heart must be atwitter, because at long last, your prayers have been answered!
Wow, it really is just like seventh grade! Except it's July, so I'm doubtful that we will find any dances to crash. Besides, do we really want to be "the creepy old couple" at the dance?
~Ardie
Hay Tobe tha nest time yew talk to God wood yew ax her ifn she nose were i put my gold hartshaped earblings?
BFF
Georgie
BS - Ardie is ah luky gril on acounta yer caretaker sounds jus dreemy!
Georgie,
That still remains to be seen, but I sure wish he had a better job. I mean jeez, "plastic fork sitter" doesn't sound that impressive on a resume. Now, Medical Transcriptionist: THERE'S a career that says "Hey, I'm going places, and I will step on anyone who gets in my way."
I'm just sayin'.
~Ardie
Medical Transcriptionist?? Whoa...yew asettin yer sites way two high gurlfiend aint no Medical Transcriptionist gonna give us tha time ah day. Besides, they aint that meny plastic fork sitters sos leest ways yew no he wood always have ah job.
BFF
Georgie
You're absolutely right Georgie, I could never marry a Medical Transcriptionist. They are way too good for me.
Fiends,
~Ardie
Hey you two nutty kids,
Okay, Steve couldn't help but sense that you guys were discussing him, and upon reading the above, he would like to answer.
In fact, he's telling me that he DOES do some medical transcription on the side, and yet he would still be willing to take Ardie to the dance... of course, he's stammering terribly as he says this... uh oh, the foaming at the mouth has begun... he's saying... what? "girl pretty"??... hmmm... uh oh, what's this... he's collapsed... yes, yes, he just wet himself... not good... ohhhh, you hate to see something like this happen.
Well, he appears to be a tad less than suave, but I'll tell you what. How's about I, Toby the Fork, take both of you lovely ladies to the dance? I'll take Georgie simply so I can be seen with THE Georgie, and I'll take Ardie to fulfill the 32-tooth-minimum required for the cumulative female company one takes into the dance.
I'll have my limo pick you kids up at 8. Ahhh, young interspecies love.
No thank you. I've already found a very nice tow truck driver to take me. He says he knows the "king of the dee jays", and he sings just dreeeeamy.
~Ardie
Hay Tobe aint yew agoin with Denise on acounta i seent her at tha Salivateshun Army store apickin out a prom dress an she sayd her boyfiend wus ataken her to tha prom sos i thunk that wus yer an i hope they aint no truhbell in pairahdice butt enyways i woodn mind agoin with Steve on acounta i met him onest an he seamed okay to me. Back then he seamed as normal as me or enyone in my famlee butt that was befour he was a plastic fork sitter sos i dont no ifn suckcess changed him. Steel i woodn want to be aloan with him sos we wood half to dupple date an jus let me no.
Fiends
Georgie
Well just be careful Georgie, we all know that Steve's aunt is a little nuts. I heard she once pummeled Steve to a bloody pulp just for calling her Auntie Anne and asking for delicous soft pretzels.
~Ardie
Butt i hurt it wus the last pretzel he wus awantin sos she woodnt had no choice butt to beet him up ifn she wanted it two. Beesize i seent a pitcher ah her onest an she is beeteafull sos im awonderin ifn her looks is wat druv her nuts or ifn maybee it wus Steve hisself on acounta i hurt she was noormall till Steve made hur watch thishere show with robots atalkin to a movey skreen ceptn i dont no ifn thats tru.
BFF
Georgie
Oh yeah, I've seen that show too Georgie, and I think if I hadn't seen it, my entire life would be much more fulfiling and much less TV-centric.
It's all worth it for my annual Patrick Swayze Christmas Party though :)
~Ardie
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