I Have Thoughts, And You Will Know What They Are
Hello, Internet pals! I've just been hit with another wacky net questionnaire! Like any normal person, I said to myself, "Great! Why don't I devote half my evening to this pointless exercise in shameless narcissism?" I know you're all atwitter with anticipation, so away we go!
1. What is your middle name?
Humberto
2. How big is your bed?
Ohhhhh heh heh, yeah, I know what you're really askin'. Heh heh heh. Why don't you just come over to my bedroom and find out, heh heh heh.
3. What are you listening to right now?
I'm listening to a man making Teresa Strasser cry. Don't fret, Teresa. Let me make it alllllll better, baby. Mmmmm. And then maybe we can do a little spooning...
Wait, I've just slurred my people.
4. How is the weather right now?
I'm in New Orleans and it's three days before hurricane season starts, you insensitive bastard. I've got half a mind not to continue on with this.
5. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Well, she called herself Candy Melons.
6. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
I look to make sure there's no handlebar moustache.
7. Do you want children?
Of course not! What a disgusting thing to ask. On a related note, a sex offender just moved into my neighborhood. No pedosmile, though. Maybe he just humped a donkey or something.
8. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
I don't remember.
9. Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?
Oh, you mean like late at night listening to maudlin music and thinking what might have been as I contemplate the utter pointless hollow shell my life has become? No, never.
10. Last Movie you Watched?
well, Let's see, i suppose There Was scary Movie 3. ahhh, Those zucker Brothers!
11. What books are you reading?
Ummm... the manual for the computer baseball game I bought? Hmmm. No, that won't impress the ladies. Okay, I'm reading whatever Oprah recommended last.
12. What were you doing before filling this out?
Well, I *was* curing world hunger, but then I thought, YEAH! An internet questionnaire! It's okay, somebody'll figure a way to get those kooky Ethiopians some nonperishables. Let's move forward.
13. Any pets?
Well, if my lovely girlfriend Denise The Fork were answering this question, she'd go, "Yeah -- Toby!" And then you'd hear a laugh track and everybody would go, "You know, she's right -- men ARE stupid to the point of being pet-like! Hooray for women!" And then we'd all have a good chuckle, and then men would go back to running the world and dying 10 years sooner than chicks.
14. Have you ever loved someone?
Five dollah, me love you long time.
15. Have you ever fired a gun?
Heh heh heh... yeah, I know what you're sayin, toots... many times, baby, many times... heh heh...
16. Do you like to travel by plane?
Yes, anal rape by security is a favorite pasttime of mine.
17. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right. If I were left-handed, these answers might actually be clever.
18. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Grand Forks, North Dakota.
19. Do you have a tattoo?
Well... one night during my short stint in the Navy... forget it. No, I do not.
20. Are you hiding something from someone?
Yes! I mean, no!
21. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?
I thought that was obvious. I'm a fork that can type.
22. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
You Can't Do That on Television.
23. FAVORITE HANGOUT:
Hangings.
24. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
Internet questionnaires, MySpace, and being in love with myself and thinking anybody gives a flying crap about what I think.
Okay, granted, maybe a bit of an agenda there.
25. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 1 THOUSAND DOLLARS?
1,300 bags of Skittles. My apartment shall become a Skittle empire, and it will be good.
26. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Let's see, I'm terrified of stupid questions. AAAAHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH!!!
27. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Prongweed.
28. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD BRING ONE THING.
I'd bring my trusty "How to avoid cliched questions" kit!
29. WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT BEF0RE Y0U G0 T0 BED?
I think about how I live in a world where people randomly shorten "YOU" to "U", and I contemplate a homicidal rampage, and I remember I'm too lazy for that. So then I just go to bed.
30. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
My favorite book, Avoiding Fires For Dummies.
31. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
Ohhhhh!!! That one, with that one guy, and these monkeys, and it was on during the Super Bowl and blah blah blah blah KILL ME NOW KILL ME NOW I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AAAAAAAAHHHH.
10 Comments:
Gee Tobe i feel so clost to yer now sinst yew ansered all tha questions i done sent yew an i no yew sew mush better. Dont yew just love agitten these hear thangs in yer EEEmail i no i do.
I aint got time to answer them all myselv sos ill jus dew a few.
1. Aint got one...Georgie is all i got.
2. Same size as my sheets.
5. Tootsietoes. She done callt fer bale money again.
13. Dew pet peaves cont on acounta i got lots ah them thangs.
17. One ah each.
20. Yes i meen no
22. Not as long as tha lites are on.
24. Internet queshunaires and Tobyvision.
28. Ah boat.
29. Dew i havta pea.
Okay Ardie now itch yer turn.
Georgie
1. Felicia
2. Big enough for everyone!
5. God. That God, always calling during dinner!
13. Household bugs
17. I prefer people with both.
20. Why?! What did you hear?!
22. Don't Just Sit There
24. Jelly, peanut butter, and bread
28. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
29. "Man I'm drunk"
30. My plastic fork collection
oh sorry forgot to sign off
~Josephine
Here are my counter answers to you guys' counter answers.
1. No.
2. Yes.
5. Because I said so.
13. Avogadro's number.
17. The death penalty.
20. Some like it hot.
22. Mr. Wizard's World.
24. Insulting question, answer left blank.
28. I don't like you.
29. Maybe.
30. Maeby.
Oh, and Ardie, you can be Ardie again. You know, just because we go through our little jokey phases doesn't mean you have to stick with a course of action forever. I mean, we're not all as dense as Georgie, y'know? And even that birdbrain has moved on by now. Lordy.
Hm, wait, was that out loud?
Can I be Arty, the strongest man, IN THE WORLD!?
~Josedie
Ps Maeby and George Micheal were on Veronica Mars once. I had such convulsions of joy I had to go to the hospital. The pills help, though.
Ardie aint yew esceert ifn yew save yer plastic fork collection in tha fire that it will melt on acounta that thar happen to my plastic fork collection onst an i had ta start all over sos now i save it, my cubic zurphoneyia ring an all my other fallibles in a show box unner my bet but dont tell nobody.
BFF,
Georgie
High Tobe
Thank yew fer them very kind wirds of prays ceptn dont yew thank yew wus a little ruff on Ardie on acounta not everbudy done got the bennyfit of hire edgykayshun like I.
I wood say sumpin bout Maeby butt i dont no who that is.
Fiends,
Georgie
:: sniffle ::
I'm sorry. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry, but Georgie's story about the forks in the fire got to me. Poor babies. I think I remember hearing about that on an old Rescue 911 episode. Or maybe that was T.J. Hooker. I was running a temperature of 103 at the time, so maybe it was just a horrible fever dream involving my two least favorite things. Shatner and melted forks. Shudder!
Be that as it may, I don't mean to seem pissy with Ardie, but she seems to have taken my gentle hints about how much I hate internet questionnaires to heart -- now she is sending a new one pretty much every day, and I swear that thing arrives in my e-mail box along with the sound of her cackling maniacally. I don't know how she does it, but she's diabolical.
Dear Toby,
What is your favorite color?
Have you ever been toilet papered?
If you could teleport anywhere in the world just once, where would you go?
If you had 10 seconds to live, what would you do?
Would you ever do it with a plastic knife?
Love,
~Ardie
-- What is your favorite color?
White and red.
--Have you ever been toilet papered?
It's not a good idea to toilet paper beings who have sharp prongs.
--If you could teleport anywhere in the world just once, where would you go?
Grand Forks, didn't I already kind of answer this?
--If you had 10 seconds to live, what would you do?
I'd do it with a plastic knife.
--Would you ever do it with a plastic knife?
Of course not, you sick bastard!
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