Bysshe Slap

What's the point of having a blog if you're not going to use it to criticize belligerently? Hopefully, you'll ruin a life or two in the process.

And that's what I'm here to do today. You know, I hear the kids these days. I've got my prongs on the pulse of America's youth. When they're not asphyxiating themselves for a cheap high, they're usually discussing classic poetry. And if there's one guy the kids love, it's former poet and current corpse Percy Bysshe Shelley. They just can't shut up about this moron! Oh, hey, Ozymandias this and Ode to the West Wind that. Enough already, you idiot whippersnappers!

Well, I'm about to blow the cover off this whole shebang. Guess what? This dickwad hated cats. Hated them with a fiery passion -- literally. You hear that, everybody? He liked to electrocute them. And yeah, okay, I do kind of think Ozymandias is a great work, but that does not excuse torching innocent animals. For that, I hope he has to live inside A Lament for the rest of his miserable life.

What? Okay, yeah, he's dead already. I knew that.

Anyway, here are some more reasons to hate this poeturd:

* Shelley's poems are generally really boring.

* The Moon sucked.

* A jerk like this should not be spending his afterlife getting stroked off by literature professors.

* Really, he shouldn't.

* Look, I'm not running out of points to make, I'm just emphasizing this one. I'm a professional. Don't you realize I'm a professional?

* I am aware that this is tailing off. But this guy's been planted for 200 years. Dredging up new material on him is difficult.

* Go away if you're going to complain. You try tormenting a later romantic sometime!

* How would you like it if I made fun of your blog?

* The little twatwaffle hated cats! He hated cats! And he's too verbose! G'ah!

Now then, I hope you've all enjoyed this literary criticism by me, Toby the Fork. This should put a stop to all this Shelley worship going on. And by the way, Bysshe?

BYSSHE?

I Will Persevere

Okay, okay... bit of a faux pas with what apparently is T-C-B-Y yogurt. Frankly, not my proudest moment, but hey, not one of us is perfect -- except for one guy that lived 2,000 years ago (that Nero, what a gem!).

Anyway, it's come to my attention via endless spam that we should ADVERTISE OUR WEBSITE. It's true. If I'm ever going to get my name on something other than a disease (Toby Syndrome, or inflammation of the prongs, is named for me), I'm going to have to put myself out there. In fact, I am calling for help from my four loyal readers. While it's a preposterous notion that one person can make a difference, perhaps four can.

It seems that an enterprising fellow has developed a website wherein he solicits Paypal donations, hoping to collect a set amount of money by a certain date -- or else he will murder an adorable bunny. Now, I don't understand all this HTML hooey, but it sure would be nice if someone would create a website and threaten to blow my prongs off unless his or her demands are met. This will net me worldwide attention, and it will also return people's association with the name "Toby" back to me and away from that damn rabbit.

And maybe, just maybe, after all that... a yogurt empire awaits?