It's TOBY-licious!

Oh, boy. Am I excited!

Right on the heels of discovering that the Dutch love our lil' tampon, it has come to my attention that a major yogurt distributor has decided to name their yogurt after ME! TOBY yogurt!

I don't have to tell you that this is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. Why, from my days as a young forkling in Philadelphia, I've always dreamed about getting my name on a mass-marketed product. My friends, that moment has arrived.

Consequently, it is now time for the chicks to begin rolling in. I'll see to it that you ladies will all be able to service me in a prompt and efficient manner. I recommend that the brunettes line up on the right, the blondes line up on the left, and the redheads, ahh, the redheads -- you lovelies can just skip right up to the front. Now, of course, I'm but one fork -- I'll need to take occasional breaks wherein I will retire to my luxurious futon, awaiting massages from several mermaids, with a rousing episode of Diff'rent Strokes on my 46-inch television screen. But don't fret; you'll all get your chance at the Tobe.

And it's all thanks to TOBY yogurt. Again, I can't thank all of you enough for supporting me during the lean years. It's all paying off now.

And hey, remember to enjoy some TOBY tonight! It's on me!

P.S.: Actually it isn't -- you'll pay for it -- but that seemed like a good "big finish" for this blog entry.

Tampon Power -- Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Dutch

We here at Tobyvision love multiculturalism, despite my inherent distate for virtually all cultures. However, a notable exception is now the Dutch! Yes, I love the Dutch, because apparently a blogger over in the Netherlands is not only a fan of our own Jose the Magic Tampon, but has devoted roughly eight paragraphs to dissecting the phenomenon of Jose. You may need to adjust the setting at the top to "Dutch to English." (Incidentally, this is the most delightful translation ever; in fact, there's a slight chance we're totally misreading this and this guy actually hates Jose with a violent passion.) If I hadn't helped in writing the Jose comics myself, I would express deep pity for anyone taking the time to write a dissertation on a talking cartoon tampon, but as it stands I label this person the smartest person on earth.

In fact, I hereby renounce my American citizenship. I am now so totally the Dutchest fork ever. Seriously. In fact, I will now answer only to Lars.

Hete vloek!

Sincerely,
Lars The Fork

Dennis Dialogue

Excerpts from Hurricane Dennis coverage from around the South:

Pensacola's statement: "Let's hope it goes west!"
Pensacola's inner thoughts: "Hit Mississippi! They have sex with dogs over there."

Mobile's statement: "Let's hope it goes east!"
Mobile's inner thoughts: "Maybe if there's no more Florida, the media will stop talking about Florida. Plus, we don't die. Everybody wins!"

Biloxi's statement: "Let's hope it drifts into Alabama, but if not, hopefully it goes west of us."
Biloxi's inner thoughts: "There sure are a lot of homosexuals in New Orleans. Would it really be such a bad thing? Mmm?"

New Orleans' statement: "Let's hope we get lucky again and it stays east of us."
New Orleans' inner thoughts: "Besides, I want to see how much damage can be done to Pensacola in one calendar year."

Pensacola's inner thought retort: "Screw you, New Orleans. You're a dump and your population is less educated than your average mosquito. Bite us."

New Orleans's inner thought retort: "Hey Pensacola, we got bare tits here."

Pensacola's inner thought retort: "Oh yeah. Good point! Okay, hopefully we get pummeled."

Weather Channel's statement: "What a tragedy, a terrible storm."
Weather Channel's inner thoughts: "Hot damn, it's the one time people are watching us. We'll all be household names before the weekend's out. Dr. Steve Lyons will finally get laid! Shoot, I wish there could be a Category 6."

Go Golden Showers! I mean, Eagles!

Update to an earlier blog: Well, as it happens, Marquette decided to remain the Golden Eagles. Way to go, Marquette! Say, I think I'll change my name to Ding-Dong Wallbrook Spazzo. What? That sucks? Okay, never mind then. I'll remain Toby. Sorry everyone, sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up.

Marquette. What a bunch of doofi. Hey, if you're out there thinking about going to Marquette, don't. K? Don't. If you're an obsessed Laverne & Shirley fan and you MUST live in the same city and walk across those same "sclemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer incorporated" steps, do yourself a favor and go to UW-Milwaukee instead.

I'm disgusted with all o' yous.