Yo' Mama

When you're sick, they're there for you. When you're struggling in school, they're there for you. When you knock up your ho, they're there for you.

I'm speaking, of course, of mothers. Where would we be without mothers? Well, not here, that's for damn sure. They gave us life, of course, and it was quite painful for them even with modern drugs, and that's why we have this very special day to honor them. It would really be nice if my own mother didn't have a birthday in April, thereby putting the burden on me to come up with homemade cards in consecutive months, but that's neither here nor there. It's certainly not my intention to clutter up this tribute with petty passive aggressiveness.

And frankly, I'm not really even here to limit my tribute to my own mother, because she just gambles away our family's money for the most part. "Hey boy, take one last look at your inheritance," she can be heard to say, cackling all the while as she bolts for the nearest casino. Please don't read this as an attack. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my mother with all my prongs and soul. Do I wish she were a bit more responsible with my inheritance? Yes. Do I intend to keep harping on this for this entire blog entry? Of course not. In fact, this will be the last I have to say on that matter.

Mothers are wonderful. They raise us from a pup. They clean up our poo when we're babies, which is only profitable for them on rare occasions. Unless their child eventually becomes a D-list celebrity, it's a pretty thankless task.

They sit through our horrendous talent shows and piano recitals, pretending we're good.

They accept the role of disciplinary bad guy when dad's too busy writing his Hitler screenplays to notice what the hell's going on.

Most of them don't drown us.

Best of all, they sit there and take it when we grow up and insult them in our blogs.

Hot damn, mothers rule. Happy Mother's Day, everyone! Wait a minute... looking at my astrology chart here, it appears Mother's Day was last week.

SHIT!!

Oops. Sorry, mom.

The Marquette Uncertainty

Once upon a time, Marquette University's mascot was the Warriors. They established a fine tradition under that name, winning many games and so forth. Then, one day, some people complained, I guess, and instead of paying those people to shut up (which definitely would have worked), they got scared and decided to become the Golden Eagles instead.

Unfortunately, 94.3% of the universities in America are the Golden Eagles. Deciding the name was too generic, the good folks in Marquette's ivory tower decided to change the name again. After carefully considering some good names, they elected to go with the worst name in the history of the world -- the GOLD. The Marquette Gold. Faced with a student revolt, they've now backtracked again, shaking and weak, terrified of offending people, terrified of offending those who weren't offended, terrified of offending those in neither of those two categories. Poor fellas. Let's help 'em out with some suggestions. I'll get the ball rolling.

Marquette Fluffy Bubbles
Marquette de Sade
Marquette Margarine
Marquette Women
Marquette _____
Marquette Starving Ethiopians
Marquette Redskins

Just a few. Perhaps you at home can come up with some more, ay?