Quite a Dil'mma

So I'm sitting here going, "Hmmm."

It seems that Diff'rent Strokes: The Complete First Season is now available on DVD. Who among us doesn't enjoy the wacky lovableness of Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, the now dead Dana Plato, and the more-or-less dead Conrad Bain? Uhhh... what's that you say? Pretty much all of us? Well, I never.

Fine, you unenlightened rubes. Go ahead and be intellectual snobs about your television comedy. See if I care. Just because you can't grasp the greatness of this televisual feast doesn't mean I shouldn't fork over (ha ha) my hard-earned cash to relive this glorious program in all it's... uh, glory. But to show that I'm giving both sides of the argument a fair shake, let me make my decision on whether to purchase this DVD collection by compiling a list of pros and cons.

Pro: Unintentional comedy galore.

Con: Okay, sure, the intentional comedy is a tad lacking.

Pro: Mr. Drummond gave us all a guide on how to live.

Con: Mr. Drummond is a withered old over-moralizing jerkwad.

Pro: The show gave us a new way to look at child molestation.

Con: The child molester in that very special episode could not pronounce "Tarzan" properly.

Pro: Mrs. Garrett -- SMOKING HOT.

Con: Adelaide -- Seen better days.

Pro: Costs less than 20 dollars!

Con: Costs more than 15 dollars.

Pro: In light of her later career as a soft core lesbian porn star, Dana Plato's wholesome teenaged innocence makes me feel like a dirty old utensil.

Con: In light of her later career as a soft core lesbian porn star, Dana Plato's wholesome teenaged innocence makes me feel like a dirty old utensil.

If you folks at home can think of any more reasons why purchasing the Diff'rent Strokes DVD would be a fantastic idea, I'd love to hear from you. This is quite the dilemma.

I've Got Tray Cred

All right, all you little freaks. I hear your cry. "Toby," you say, "can we really trust your blog to lead us through the murkiness of life?"

Well, to that I say yes, and not only yes, but HELL yes. My friends, I am a weathered fork. I have seen a lot and heard a lot. I have seen my friends crunched in half and then discarded like yesterday's garbage, which of course they technically were. The point is, I've been through the battles, and almost nobody, except possibly Gary Coleman, is more qualified and trustworthy to lead you through these harrowing times of dying popes and North Carolina college basketball national championships.

My story started here. I was born somewhere on this page. In fact, if you look very close and have 20/0 vision plus deep mental instability, you can actually see many of my friends and family. They're in that one building right there. I lost a lot of buddies there, and... and... I'm sorry... I'm getting choked up...

Dammit... I told myself I wasn't going to do this... just gimme a second...

Okay. Anyway, lotta friends died, steeled me up, now my word is golden due to all the accumulated wisdom this brought me, blah blah blah. Point is, I'm better than each and every one of you and that's why everyone should hang on every word of this blog. Read it and weep, you assholes! Hahaha! I love being awesome!

Seriously, I really was born somewhere on that satellite image. Neat, eh? Why don't you try and locate YOUR birthplace now, eh smart guy?