The Lament of the Ex-Athlete
I used to be quite a ballplayer in my day.
Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. "But Toby! What about that loophole in Iowa's inheritance tax statutes?" Now, now -- I realize we're all concerned about that. But as another basketball season gets underway, I just can't help remembering my glory days.
It was 1992. I was the backup point guard on the Forks High School basketball team in Forks, Washington. I didn't get to play much. We had this hotshot dickweed starting at point. He got all the girls, even after I spread a nasty rumor that his mom was a spork. Nothing I did worked -- the chickies kept gravitating to him, and me? Well, let's just say my girlfriend was my right-most prong. Those were dark days.
You know, the thing about women is, they don't care what kind of person you are. They just want the situation that's going to stroke their ego the most. If they dated the backup point guard, well, they could do BETTER. So everyone piled on Chip, the big fork on campus. Bitches.
Ahem. Anyway, back to my story. It was the first round of the playoffs. We were losing to Utensil Academy by a hefty margin. Suddenly, Chip got a chipped handle (oh, the irony) and it was all up to me. Coach put me in, encouraging me to do my best, cheering me on. "Try not to screw up, moron," he cried. I was pumped!
On the first play, I received a pass. The ball hit my prongs and deflated. The game was delayed 15 minutes. Coach called me an imbecile and put in the gay kid to play point. We lost by 35 and I went home to yet another date with my right-most prong.
If coach had just left me in, we woulda won State. Maybe I woulda made the pros. Gosh DARN IT!
13 Comments:
Oh Toby that thar is tha sadist storie i never hurd cause i never nude Chips Mom wus a spork not that thars enythang rong with that.
BS: I beet Ardie....i beet Ardie not that its impotent or nuttin on acounta it aint no context butt steal I beet Ardie.....i beet Ardie.
BBS: Uhhhh Toby were is Chip now not that i kare or nuttin i wus jus awonderin.
Yer Pall,
Georgie
Oooooo...Georgie, sounds like you have a crush on Chip! Not that I can blame you, he sounds dreamy. Teehee, it's like a soap opera around here, isn't it?
~Ardie
Both of you stop it!! Stop it! This is supposed to be a story about how I was once down, and now am successful. I don't know what happened to Chip, but I bet he has a mullet now and is missing most of his teeth. In fact, I'm going to Google him. Hang on.
Hmmm.
Okay, he makes six figures, is what you ladies refer to as "gorgeous," and is single. Also, his teeth sparkle when he smiles, and his blog is 10 times funner than mine. Still, don't women want an imperfect fork with flaws, but who has a heart of gold? Y'know? Over some perfect plastic superficial piece of meat like Chip? Don't they?
Right??
Crap.
Dear Toby,
It has occured to me that you believe your involvement in a two-bit website to be "success." This is very funny.
Where's your six figures? And do you have Chip's phone number?
Love,
Ardie
Gee Toby yew make Chip sound sew cute an all wit that thar mullet an even a tooth ceptn im affeared he aint my endtaileckchewall equail ifn he kin only make 6 figures. I bean abel to go up to 10 figures fer yeers now ceptn i dew steal have truball with them 8's butt who dont right?
Im ahopin this aint amakin me look shallow or nutten. Yer no eny cute guys what aint so dum?
Yer fiend,
Georgie
Hey Toby,
Any thoughts on the "Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas" controversy?
Bill O'Reilly is a punk.
~Ardie
Cheeze Wiz Ardie i thunk we mustard hirt Tobys feelins on acounta he aint atalkin to us. Maybee hes bizy ashoppin fer hour Christmas presence an i cant weight to see what he gotted me this yeer!
Merry Christmas everbudy from your fiend Georgie!
Aw, thanks Georgie! Merry Christmas to you too, and have a hurricane-free New Year!
~Ardie
Ardie--
Bill O'Reilly isn't so much a punk as he is a punk that is completely in love with himself to an extremely disturbing level.
On the other hand, as 96% of people celebrate Christmas regardless of religion, anyone who is genuinely upset about being told "Merry Christmas" should leave the planet immediately. Just like the highly allergic people who caused peanuts to get banned from planes. Hey, so we lose a few folks -- it's Darwin. It's okay. It was meant to happen.
For further explanation of my position, please see the third host segment featured in the MST3K episode "Santa Claus." Thank you, won't you?
Georgie,
I forgot to shop for you. I mean, your gift is late. Again, your gift is late.
Hang in there.
Oh boy Toby im agona chek tha pos tovis ever day till i git it! Aint yew a jus a sweet boy.
BFF,
Georgie
Where's MY gift???
NAPPY YEW HEAR *hic*...ever budy!
Yer Friend *hic*
Georgie Porgie *hic* Puddin' and Pie.
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