Bysshe Slap
What's the point of having a blog if you're not going to use it to criticize belligerently? Hopefully, you'll ruin a life or two in the process.
And that's what I'm here to do today. You know, I hear the kids these days. I've got my prongs on the pulse of America's youth. When they're not asphyxiating themselves for a cheap high, they're usually discussing classic poetry. And if there's one guy the kids love, it's former poet and current corpse Percy Bysshe Shelley. They just can't shut up about this moron! Oh, hey, Ozymandias this and Ode to the West Wind that. Enough already, you idiot whippersnappers!
Well, I'm about to blow the cover off this whole shebang. Guess what? This dickwad hated cats. Hated them with a fiery passion -- literally. You hear that, everybody? He liked to electrocute them. And yeah, okay, I do kind of think Ozymandias is a great work, but that does not excuse torching innocent animals. For that, I hope he has to live inside A Lament for the rest of his miserable life.
What? Okay, yeah, he's dead already. I knew that.
Anyway, here are some more reasons to hate this poeturd:
* Shelley's poems are generally really boring.
* The Moon sucked.
* A jerk like this should not be spending his afterlife getting stroked off by literature professors.
* Really, he shouldn't.
* Look, I'm not running out of points to make, I'm just emphasizing this one. I'm a professional. Don't you realize I'm a professional?
* I am aware that this is tailing off. But this guy's been planted for 200 years. Dredging up new material on him is difficult.
* Go away if you're going to complain. You try tormenting a later romantic sometime!
* How would you like it if I made fun of your blog?
* The little twatwaffle hated cats! He hated cats! And he's too verbose! G'ah!
Now then, I hope you've all enjoyed this literary criticism by me, Toby the Fork. This should put a stop to all this Shelley worship going on. And by the way, Bysshe?
BYSSHE?
20 Comments:
Toby,
Re: my recent posts: I will try to be more genial in the future, but come on...Toby yogurt?! You asked for it, snookums. Is genial the right word there?
Anyhoo, I was an art major. This poetry crap is beyond me, so I will just say I agree wholeheartedly!
Also cats, as a species, per se, are tolerable.
~Ardie
Win i frist seent tha title ah yer little storie i thunk yew wus afighten with yer mamma agin on acounta she lost, more ah yer inhairydance at that cashino sos im glad that aint it.
Hear in Jawja we wusnt lurnt nothin like Ozymandias on acounta that thar sounds like a foran wird an the onlyst poems we lurnt was bout stuff rite hear in tha good old USofA like Thar wus a gurl from Nantucket whose head was stuck in a bucket..... Sorry that thar is alls i remember.
~Georgie~
Hey Tobe,
Haven't heard much from ya. Fleeing Katrina?
Snuggly dry in Jersey,
Ardie
Georgie,
Thanks for your concern about my inhairydance, but as far as I know it's fine.
You're doing fine with the poetry. The girl from Nantucket is actually an allegory for the struggle of all mankind against the inevitable hand of the reaper. I'm glad you're as excited about all this as I am.
Ardie,
You may be snuggly dry and smugly content, but Jersey still smells like ass. Don't forget that.
Okay, yeah, so does New Orleans.
BUT, New Orleans has character. And a generous helping of naked boobies. At least for the next two days until it's wiped clean off the map. I guess what I'm saying is, kids, get out to that French Quarter while you can!
This has been Toby the Fork's Hurricane Preparation Tip Central. Thank you.
Dear Toby,
You suck, but I still miss you.
Love
~Ardie
Let's hope the roof stayed on and the window didn't break in my apartment. It would be sad if a plastic fork with a handlebar moustache was floating around somewhere in Mississippi right now.
Let's have a moment of silence for Toby and his little hottie Denise.
--Steve
You know, Toby was susceptible to looters also. I mean, if I was starving, and found an apartment with an assortment of cereal and canned goods, I'd also be looking for a utensil to eat them with.
Who the hell is Denise?
~Ardie
Dont nobudy got to werry bout Toby on acounta i seent him on TV astandin on the balcooney eatin a can ravioli-os and awavin one of them thar white rags they done past out befour the storm fer peeple to wave at the TV kamras with ceptn i coodnt tale ifn the roof was off or nuttin.
Who the hell is Denise?
~Georgie
Ardie gurl fiend, lets talk fashun for a sec hear on acounta im sumwatt an exspurt on that thar subjeck. I no that thar Jersy is snuggly dry ceptn no budy dont ware that no more yew shood git you some of that new stuff watts called pollyhester thats watt all us cool kids are awarin now. Ifn thar is eny thang elst i can help yew with whilst Toby is ahidin from tha looters jus let me no.
Yer Fiend,
Georgie
Georgie,
Thank you so much for the fashion advice. It's nice to know I can count on a fiend like you to tell it like it is!
Do you think I should also stop wearing my Hammer pants, off-the-shoulder sweatshirts, and leg warmers?
~Ardie
No nead two thank me Ardie on acounta i thunk ifn a person done got the gift ah fashun she shood cher it with her fiends. I hate to brag ceptn i done gaved that boy Steve fashun advyce an just look wat a snappy dresser he is.
I aint never hird tale ah Hammer pants butt i thank it wood hirt win yew set down sos i woodnt ware those an them thar leg warmers air yew atalking about long socks an ifn yew are than yes yew shood ware them on acounta ifn yew dont yer feet will stank. Tha off tha shoulder sweat shirt is fine ifn yew let tha sweat dry frist.
Toby bedder git his skinny butt back hear soon or yew an me gonna take over this hear blog aint we!
Georgia :)
He better get back, because I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. ::insert witty comment here::
Just think of all the stories he will be able to tell from his travels floating across Mississippi!
~Ardie
Holy God it's hot in here. Somebody finally put the AC on. Now I want a pizza.
Hay thar Toby. I'm ahopin yer prongs didn't melt!
Yer Fiend
Georgie
Dear Toby,
Now that things are back to normal, enjoy fleeing Rita.
~Ardie
Dear Toby,
Meow...MurrrrrowwWW....mew...mew
MEEEEOWW....BP.....mew...mew...Mick... meow...mew.
Your Fiend,
Demi-do from Toe-da-mo (did I spell that right?)
I see emerson went to the same public school Georgie did.
~ardie
We wus in tha same class an Emerson was valvictorian ceptn it shooda ben me butt tha teacher lyeked readheads.
Toby mus steal be awaitn in that thar FEMA line fer his bottle ah water. Dont tale him butt im sorta lost, without him.
I hear Toby's got a bit of writer's block. He must be really traumatized.
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