I've Got Tray Cred
All right, all you little freaks. I hear your cry. "Toby," you say, "can we really trust your blog to lead us through the murkiness of life?"
Well, to that I say yes, and not only yes, but HELL yes. My friends, I am a weathered fork. I have seen a lot and heard a lot. I have seen my friends crunched in half and then discarded like yesterday's garbage, which of course they technically were. The point is, I've been through the battles, and almost nobody, except possibly Gary Coleman, is more qualified and trustworthy to lead you through these harrowing times of dying popes and North Carolina college basketball national championships.
My story started here. I was born somewhere on this page. In fact, if you look very close and have 20/0 vision plus deep mental instability, you can actually see many of my friends and family. They're in that one building right there. I lost a lot of buddies there, and... and... I'm sorry... I'm getting choked up...
Dammit... I told myself I wasn't going to do this... just gimme a second...
Okay. Anyway, lotta friends died, steeled me up, now my word is golden due to all the accumulated wisdom this brought me, blah blah blah. Point is, I'm better than each and every one of you and that's why everyone should hang on every word of this blog. Read it and weep, you assholes! Hahaha! I love being awesome!
Seriously, I really was born somewhere on that satellite image. Neat, eh? Why don't you try and locate YOUR birthplace now, eh smart guy?
10 Comments:
I DID locate my birthplace, smart guy; in fact I almost forgot to come back here and finish reading your post. Brilliant strategy, Napoleon!
~Ardie
I don't much appreciate the tone of your posts lately. I'm detecting some anti-utensilism from you and I don't like it one bit. If you don't curtail your insolence, I will summon the Holy Rhyming Fork of Antioch to sue you.
Dear Toby,
That wasn't me, that was...um...some dude. Yeah. Future posts should be much less hateful. And I'm going to find that dude and kick his ass.
Graciously,
~Ardie
Hay Toby. That thar map thang sounds like a buntch ah fun. You got won wear us smart gals kin locate hour birthplace?
Your Fiend,
Georgie
Dear Ardie,
I don't believe you.
Dear Georgie,
"Smart guy" is simply an all-encompassing phrase not intended to pinpoint a single gender, but rather the general overall cacophony that is humanity.
So please, Georgie, by all means, use the link already provided to enjoy the rich tapestry of the landscape of America and to locate the humble outhouse in which you were born and undoubtedly still reside today.
Huh?
Dearest Toby,
I will not even dignify that with a response. Except for that.
Love,
Ardie
Dearest Georgie,
Uh... never mind.
Lovely Ardie,
I know you are, but what am I?
Post a Comment
<< Home