Winning "Survivor" In Two Easy Steps

Folks, first things first. As the Ulong tribe fades into bolivian, a moment of silence.

....

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Thank you. Okay, with that out of the way, I must bloviate on a couple of points. First of all, if I were ever on Survivor, I would have a multi-pronged strategy (ha ha). That strategy would center around two major themes:

1. Not crying during the family visit, and

2. Not reading treemail like it's a bloody nursery rhyme. People, please. Are we not adults here?

"Here's a shitty rhyme for you; So you won't have to reduce your tribe to two; Even though this verse is gay; Maybe you'll win the million going away."

No, I will not read that in a sing-songy tone. I would blast through it like an auctioneer. Yes, I'm sorry, Survivor producers, but due to the fact that I have no desire to stick my thingy in a guy's ass, I'm not going to read your crappy gay poems like I'm a kindergartener. Sweet Shirley McBurley. Does anybody over age 3 read rhymes like this? The producers must threaten them with zero airtime unless they go along with their bizarre wishes. Screw you, CBS. We bloggers brought down Rather and we can bring down your retarded Survivor producers as well.

Oh, but back to point number one. You know, it's a little known fact about the first season of Survivor (since so few saw it) that NOBODY cried during the family video reward. Well, nobody except Jenna, who didn't get a video at all -- so I guess I'll give her a pass, colossally annoying bitch that she is.

So what IS it then? You can't tell me, "Toby, you just wouldn't understand. It's tough out there, and you end up missing your family more than you realize, and you're just a goddamn fork anyway, so kiss my grits." You can't tell me that because ALMOST NOBODY CRIED DURING THE FIRST SEASON! It was only after Survivor became a national sensation that people started going, "Hey, that one girl cried. Maybe I'll look like a tool if I don't cry too, and then I won't get to roll around naked in piles of $100 bills." So, from the second season on, out come the tears! And more tears, and more, and more, and more. Even though it's like one more week until everybody gets to see the loved ones again anyway.

So, I would remain stoic. I'd go, "Hey ma. How are the Privateers doing? Lost again, huh? Ah well. Hey, listen, I gotta go do this thing I said I would do. Later. See you NEXT FLIPPIN' WEEK." I'm sorry, but I know this is how I would react. You've only been out there a month, you idiots! Suck it up and act like you're older than 3!

And that also means reading treemail in a normal, adult cadence!

G'ahhhhh!