As many of you know, we here at Tobyvision recently lost a close friend and
valued contributor to our web site. Mailman Herb McPherson,
52, recently passed away of a savage beating at the hands of Mr. Peanut
(TM).Anyone who knew Herb has a wacky story to tell, many not even involving transsexual hookers. Most people don't know this, but I served with America's favorite mailman in the Marines back in '68. 'Twas a crazy time, that was. I remember sitting around in 'Nam looking at nudie magazines with Herb -- that Barbara Billingsley was one phat slut -- when news broke of the RFK assassination. While I was shocked, Herbie just laughed and laughed and laughed. Only later did we find out Herb was childhood friends with Sirhan Sirhan (Herb referred to him as "Sirrie Sirrie"), which, if you think about it, just made it funnier.
Then there was the time we all got yelled at by our sargeant for slacking off on duty. Well, that was just too much for Herb to take. He sidled right up to Sgt. Dick, and said "You were much funnier when you were on Bewitched. Now you're just a tool." Well, everybody in our unit knew that Herb would not be long for the military after that; but each and every one of us admired him, both for his willingness to buck authority, and his keen knowledge of TV sitcom personnel.
Predictably, he was dishonorably discharged shortly afterwards for wearing a frilly dress while in combat. We lost touch shortly afterwards as Herb descended into a dark underworld of food, cholesterol, and sexual fantasies involving Maude.
Many people would consider that a sad end for a great war hero, but Herb never felt sorry for himself. Not once. Oh sure, he might take sociopathic actions every time he saw a wrong that needed righting, but you know what? We all have our vices. Myself, I cannot resist temptations of the plastic. But that's another topic for another month.
The bottom line is this: I don't think I overstate things when I say that Herb McPherson was the greatest man who ever lived.
Now, as to his replacement. Well, we don't really know. Perhaps if we'd done something besides sit around with our thumbs up our asses during the month of August, we'd have been better prepared for a solution. As it stands, we may just skate along for awhile with "wild card" features and Herb re-runs. This, of course, is code for "We are lazy."
We promise we'll eventually think of something to replace Herb. We have many ideas, in fact, but not one of them is practical. We thought about digging up Herb and moving his hands around the keyboard so that he could continue writing his column. After much consideration, however, we realized we'd technically have to do the thinking and writing ourselves. Recognizing our relative lack of talent at both, we junked the idea despite the delicious morbidity involved.
But there's one thing you can be sure of: Anything we do is with a heavy heart, in memory of the 56,218th best damn postal employee this world has ever seen.
Godspeed, Mailman Herb.