Greetings Mr. Ruiz & Ms. Gleeson of http://tobyvision.com/It has recently come to my attention that your web local is not in accordance with Internet Standards section 2.3b. If you are unaware, this section states that all pointless/opinion based web locals (also known in some circles as "E/N") are required to have at least one crazy and possibly drunk Native American/Irishman on staff.
Due to intensive research we have determined that your web site is indeed without a drunk Native American/Irishman, and thus you are required to immediately locate one and put him on your web staff. To help make this transition as smooth as possible and to reduce trauma experienced by you and your fellow staff members, I have generously made myself available for immediate staff placement. I assure you that in addition to being crazy and drunk, I am well acquainted with the desecration of public property, lesbians, and other pointless excursions of the mind. I look forward to working with you in the future.
Sincerely,
Sean "Sean Moran" Moran
Dear Mr. "Moran" Moran,
Thank you for your interest in Tobyvision. We appreciate all correspondence, and our readers' happiness is of paramount concern.
However, we regret to inform you that we already do have a very drunk Irishman on staff in Erin K. Gleeson. We appreciate your efforts to keep our web site out of legal trouble, but this fact has been confirmed by lawyers on all sides (after bribes were issued). One rather spirited exchange between Ms. Gleeson and IS (Internet Standards) attorneys found Ms. Gleeson brandishing an empty bottle of whiskey and declaring unilaterally that she is an elderly man. As proof, she began rambling on about her potassium deficiency in agonizing detail. She then went on to discuss her inflamed prostate, at which point we strongly suggested she take a nap.
In addition, I'd like to point out that I am indeed a Native American. I am a piece of plastic that was made exclusively in America by Americans, not those sweatshop Mexican kids. Frankly, I resent the implication that I am anything other than such. As proof, I have the innate ability to shed exactly one tear whenever an Anglo-Saxon litters, and I plan to open several casinos bearing the Tobyvision name in the near future.
I also feel it necessary to mention that, aside from Ms. Gleeson, we have another outstanding drunk on our staff in Katherine "Kitty" Van Buren, ex-Vegas lounge singer and current advice diva. Studies show that Ms. Van Buren spends most of her time passed out on the floor of assorted seedy bars, has enjoyed the company of many husbands, and indeed -- as the rhyme goes -- smells like urine.
I also want to address your follow-up letter which directed me to the website at http://hometown.aol.com/isellpantsagain. Rest assured, you will be hearing from the Secret Service quite promptly. Have a nice day.
Sincerely,
Toby the Fork
President of the U.S. and Tobyvision CEO
P.S. to our readers: We'll be debuting Radio Free Tobyvision next Monday, and we are very excited about this addition to the Tobyvision empire. In its infancy, it will consist of good rockin' music and clips featuring our very own Booger. In the future, we plan to have actual programming unless that requires work, in which case we probably won't bother.
It won't be long before we take control of the universe. Thank you. Goodnight.