Greetings, my non-utensil readers.It just occurred to me that this site is 484 days old. Damn. I must say, at the beginning a lot of people didn't think we'd make any impact. A great many doubted our ability to succeed with such an unorthodox site. I remember all who doubted me, and I vowed with every part of my soul (such as it is) to prove the naysayers wrong. Just because they did actually turn out to be right isn't going to keep me from recalling the good old days with great fondness.
Our journey here at Tobyvision began in a small waffle house in rural Alabama circa 1912. A few things happened between then and now (mostly involving third party presidential candidate Eugene Debs and some silly string), and here you got your website. That's pretty much how it went. I hope I didn't leave anything out. What a spectacular retrospective!
With that out of the way, I'd like to spend the rest of my alloted time complaining about anchor banter on local news programs. Okay, first: the gender issue. Why always a man and a woman? Actually, it would be funny if they would have one butch man and one flighty festive man who wears a bowtie and sounds like Christopher Lowell. But, be that as it may, I never fail to be annoyed by the mindless chatter of the inevitable bland man and woman that anchor all local news shows.
For instance, I always enjoy how the female anchor has to pretend to be interested in what the sports guy has to say. "Hey, that's our home team. Let's hope they do well!" Yes, thank you for wasting five seconds of my life, ho. You don't give a rat's ass. Just say it. Sports guys are losers anyway. Why don't you say, "Hey, I don't give a shit about the home team, and I'm also bitter that you sleep until 2 in the afternoon every day, you worthless slimy inconsequential vermin." Don't even get me started on sports guys.
Okay, now let's talk weathermen. Hoo boy. Now here's some guys who don't get laid. That aside, why is it that news anchors and weathermen are all absolutely 100% in favor of constant sunshine? The possibility of rain always upsets them tremendously. Hey, I like rain. We need rain. It's essential. Whether it messes up some asshole's meaningless weekend outing is of no consequence to me. But we always have to hear crap like, "Hey Jane, let's hope that rain stays away this weekend!" I've got a better idea. Let's hope someone shoves a machete up your ass.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm bitter. I'm letting my hate get the best of me. BUT JESUS D.M. CHRIST, ENOUGH ALREADY! Oh, and don't you love it when they've just finished reading a story about a grisly murder, and they come back to a shot of the anchors shaking their heads somberly and going "Mmmmmm." Screw you! You don't care. Here's how to really upset them: Slash 50 bucks from their paycheck for every vapid, meaningless comment they make to each other! Hahahahahahaha!! It's all coming together, people! I'm going to make this happen! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!
Anyways, so ... yes. Our site. 484 days.
Yowza.