I thank all of you for coming to this address today. I hope you all had
a great Easter weekend, but now, it is time to get down to business. I have a very
important announcement to make.I've decided to become a spoon. Yes. I'm sorry. I realize this may be shocking to many, but honestly I have always felt like a spoon trapped in a fork's body. After many years of being jammed into steaks, knowing I would much rather be scooping turkey out of a bowl of soup, I finally had had enough. No longer will I be forced to live this lie, once my operation is finally performed.
HA! April Fools! Got ya, didn't I? Had you going there, eh? Yeah, I'm pretty good. Few gags are more clever than the vaunted April Fools joke. One of the reasons women love me is my ascerbic wit. In fact, along those same lines, the real reason for this address today is to announce my engagement to the Queen Mother. You're all invited to the ceremony, which will be held at home plate immediately prior to the Royals/White Sox game on July 4th.
HA! April Fools! Got ya, didn't I? Yep. There's a sucker born every minute. If you were paying attention, you would have caught the obvious fabrication in THAT tale, as the Queen Mother died this past weekend.
HA! April Fools! I haven't checked the news this weekend, but I assume the old bag is still alive and kicking. I can't believe you all fell for that nonsense.
Moving on. Seriously, all kidding aside, I have a big announcement to make. I just saw Blade 2. It's a movie about a superb black man fighting teams of vampires. They're jealous of him because he can walk around during the day (hence his nickname, "Daywalker"). They cannot, you see. So they try to kill him, and despite a tremendous numbers advantage, are nice enough to attack him one at a time so he can destroy each one seamlessly. Of course, I was left wondering how Daywalker makes money fighting vampires. It seems like a cool thing to do, but can a guy really make a living off this? I'm guessing Daywalker has a fairly drab studio apartment that he can barely pay rent on. If he's lucky.
Well, that's the big announcement -- my casual reflections on Blade 2. I hope everyone's recovering nicely. Drive home safely.
HA! April Fools! I actually want you to crash!