We here at Tobyvision happened to notice that our hit totals have
decreased slightly over the last few weeks. We've attempted to blame this on Mailman Herb McPherson, but he responded by shooting six of our
staffers, killing three.Therefore, we have decided to stop playing the blame game and start working on a cheap gimmick to get hits. Now, what can such a small-time pissant little web site do to increase traffic? We thought of the obvious -- giving away a million dollars, securing video of Colby and Jerri getting it on, inventing a time machine. But it all seemed so mundane. We agonized while eating cheese. Finally, it hit us!
We'll add a baby! Yes. A storyline shall be written around Kitty Van Buren and radio's Booger conceiving a child together. The episode where Booger learns he is pregnant will captivate the world, and on that night we expect to draw more visitors than that fucking Hamster Dance site (and it's "hamster," by the way, not HAMPSTER, you uneducated beastiality-loving fools).
Of course, the addition of a child will create hilarity. How will Jose The Magic Tampon deal with a smart-mouthed, adorable new member of our Tobyvision family? Will Captain Honeydukes beat the living shit out of it and dump it in a trash can like some whacked-out stick-figure Amy Grossberg? And what of Mailman Herb? Will he finally find the tenderness and love for humanity we all know lurks within him? Or will he just have another 'Nam flashback and step on a pile of goo which used to be his best friend's face?
However these questions are answered, you can bet that our new baby will add
much warmth, joy, and humor into our lives. We already feel like Erma Bombeck around
here, and we know our hit totals will reflect this soon. Our new baby, little
Jabari, will serve to teach us a little something about life, responsibility, and yeah ...
maybe even love.Whoops. I've just been told that Honeydukes crushed Jabari's skull into a fine powder before enjoying a threesome with Lady Skanksalot and Carol Burnett. So screw the baby idea. I thought of something else.
As you all know, my campaign for President of These United States is winding down in a hurry. Why, I see that I've only got one week left to campaign. The new election news will be posted here on the 'vision this coming Wednesday night. And guess what will occur the following Wednesday night, April 11? That's right. The election itself. It's time to wrap this thing up, and big plans are in the works for election night.
Tobyvision will update live throughout the evening as results trickle in, beginning at 6 p.m. EST. We will keep you, the viewers at home, informed as each state is declared. Hopefully I will be celebrating glorious victory; but if not, I'll be demanding a recount and contacting Jesse Jackson. Either way, it spells out captivating entertainment for you, if your life happens to be empty. If you have friends and things like that, just come back the next day and we'll probably just tell you a summary of what happened.
Of course, if Caligula is elected, there may not be a next day.