Good evening, friends.I know you might be asking yourself, "Who is this joker? Why, of all people, did Tobyvision choose the guy who played the ex-husband of Ann Romano in One Day at a Time as a guest writer?" I can understand these feelings. It's typical, even expected, to have such a reaction to someone you're not very familiar with.
Nevertheless, let me be the first to call you an UNEDUCATED, BUCK-TOOTHED IMBECILIC INBRED PIECE OF TURKEY CRAP for thinking this. I should not have to reduce myself to writing for a moronic two-bit website! I am one of the finest character actors Hollywood has ever seen. Do you realize I was in three episodes of Knots Landing? No? Well, that's typical for someone who enjoys following the exploits of a MAGIC TAMPON.
I am too good for you people. I have tremendous range. Did you know I was in Mama's Family? No? Ignorant swine. And I'll have you know, they were the funniest episodes they ever made. I bring class and dignity to every project I work on. My episode of The Brady Brides nearly lifted that program into the big time.
The amazing thing is ... there's more! Yes. I was in Days of Our Lives for several years. Remember that guy? The Senator dude? Yep. Me, pretty much. I don't like to brag, but I was damn good in that role. I was getting job offers up the wazoo after that. Heck, around that time my people got a call from The Facts of Life's people, and we turned them down flat. I was simply too busy to lend my talents to yet another show. "I'm sorry, but Mr. Campanella's schedule is too full, and he will be unable to guest star as that fat broad's dad," my wife was heard to say.
Wondering what I'm doing now? Probably not, uncultured as you are, but I'll be happy to inform you. As I reach my golden years, I'd like to become a spokesman for less violence in movies. I see all the chicks Greg Peck is getting with this nonsense, so I'd like to give it a whirl. I've got my Viagra and my Return to Fantasy Island promotional underwear all ready to go (for you see, I can do fine cinema as well).
Well, I hope I've educated all of you on the life of an underappreciated character actor in Hollywood. Sometimes I surprise myself with my own brilliance. Looking back on this article, I must say I wrote it with charm and panache. No wonder they wanted me to guest star on that 1993 episode of Baywatch. I played a guy dying of lymphoma. Eh? Eh? Remember what I said about my range, you tampon loving hippies!?! I'm sexy even while dying!
Anyway, speaking of dying, I've got to go ahead and get moving on that. And you can bet I'll croak with style, you fat mailman loving ingrates. See you punks later.
Sincerely,
The guy who played the ex-husband of Ann Romano in One Day at a Time
P.S. -- If you've written anything you might want me to guest star in, please give my agent a call.
P.S.S. -- I was in three episodes of Dallas.