It's been a long, long, strange ride.Well, okay, it's only been a month. And it hasn't been that strange either, come to think of it. It's actually been reminiscent of that classic American tale -- fork-creates-website, fork-updates-site, fork-notices-low-hit-count, fork-descends-into-despair, fork-robs-gas-station.
But through it all, one thing I've learned about the dot-com business is that it takes longer than a month for one's website to make a splash. I mean, hell -- we've delivered more laughs in one month here at Tobyvision than Gilligan's Island delivered during its entire lifespan (except for that episode where they almost get off the island). And what's our reward? A few compliments. Less than a few bucks. And certainly no cult-like devotion.
Not that we don't appreciate compliments (though failing a profit, we'd prefer raw sex). In fact, your compliments have kept us going here at Tobyvision through these first few dark days.
But enough is enough. You bastards need to start buying our stuff.
I mean, we can't do much better than our Captain Honeydukes merchandise. How
can anyone resist that hilarious drawing of the Cap'n and his whores? I've literally
laughed out loud at very inappropriate times just randomly thinking about this gem.
In fact, I've been fired four times in the last two weeks largely because of this
problem. And yet we can't move these items? You people suck. No
offense.
Now, of course, my own Toby merchandise is also cool. But
the purpose of this address is not to berate you, our dear readers, for not filling our
coffers and wearing our retarded shirts. Well, that's part of the purpose, but the
other part is simply to say thanks. Thanks, for being loyal readers, for
complimenting us on our demented sense of humor, for contributing over 900 hits as of this
writing. Okay, granted, approximately 850 of those are our relatives, but you other
50 people -- we love you.I know it must be a pretty amazing experience to have a fork express his love for you. But kids, let me tell you this: I put my pants on one prong at a time like anyone else. I was merely fortunate to be in the right place at the right time, with two loving caretakers who eventually became my site's co-writers. To them, I would also like to express much gratitude. Erin, you're amazing, and don't worry -- I won't tell anyone about the mashed potatoes incident. Steve, buddy, what can I say? I haven't seen you this giddy since the Hindenburg went down. You two are great, but your tasteless senses of humor will undoubtedly cause this site to go belly-up soon. Thanks for trying, anyway.
You know, there are many that would scoff at the idea of a website whose
main attraction is a talking magic tampon. A website whose creator is a utensil.
A website where one can find the word "whore" on virtually every page.
A website that would be largely condemned as "sick" by the healthy and
well-adjusted.Well, it turns out those people were right. But we're still plugging away, because we're insane.
Now buy a fucking mug.