Ho, ho, ho!Wait -- not you, Jade. I was just imitating that fatso Santa. And why? Well, because it's the holiday season.
Personally, I have many golden memories of Christmas. Back when I was a kid, I would lay nestled by the fire in our living room, relaxing the night away. My family would tell stories of the days of yore (like the late 19th century Fork Rebellion in Chicago), and my magical childlike imagination would conjure up the most amazing pictures. Then, my dad told me Santa wasn't real. I proceeded to cry. Yes, that pretty much ruined Christmas 1983.
Ever since that night, I've resented that son of a bitch. As I grew into adolescence, I hung around our house less frequently during the holidays. I'd go to a friend's house to play Frogger, or perhaps I'd collapse into a ditch alongside Highway 55. And, in 1988, rather than spend quality time with the fam, I snuck out of the house and got my first prong job from my girlfriend Chastity. Hoo boy. Man was she hot. What a great girlfriend. Well, she wasn't really a girlfriend. She was really some cheap plastic ho from Popeye's Fried Chicken. Her prongs weren't even fully developed, and ... well, I probably shouldn't be saying this on a public forum.
Be that as it may, as I moved into adulthood, it made less and less sense to trust anyone. Hell, I'd been lied to about Santa, so I gradually began to realize God doesn't exist either. At that point I sunk deep into decadence, enjoying copious amounts of sex, booze, and porn. Finally, I hit rock bottom by creating this web site.
So that's how I got where I am today. And you know, I still hate my dad. Oh sure, I hide it. I bury my anger and buy him ties and socks for Jesus' birthday (Jesus gives a shout out to all you readers, by the way). Sometimes I acknowledge his greetings by saying "hello" back to him. But the bitterness still resides deep within me to this day.
Anyway, I hope this story lifts your spirits and brings everyone some Tobyvision holiday cheer!
Now then. On to business. We're going to be releasing new expanded holiday merchandise next week. Buy some for yourself, your relatives, and your imaginary friend Marcel. This new expanded merchandise will be titled "Our First Birthday Sale" which is a complete lie, since it's not a sale and we'll still be gouging you as much as ever. Wheeeee!
Oh, but it's true. Our first birthday IS coming up next month. Any wagers what the next State of Tobyvision Address will deal with?
Cheerio!