During these past three weeks of terror, I've heard plenty of suggestions as
to what we should do to the extremely malodorous Osama "hairier than Robin Williams
under a full moon" bin Laden.Most ideas, of course, center around the goal of vaporizing him. While this is a noble and forthright concept, I've got a better plan that is gory, effective, and fun for the whole family! Yes, I think instead of dropping bombs, we should drop a whole bunch of forks on bin Laden and his cronies. That's right. FORKS. My brethren!
As anyone who's had a fork dropped on them from 2,000 feet knows, it hurts a lot. I mean, it really smarts. Take Merv Jacobson, a 48-year-old father of three from Sheboygan, WI. He was standing under a 35-story building one day minding his own business, scratching his ass, and reading Satellite News. It never occurred to him that a depressed, suicidal fork might be using that building to leap to his own demise. But indeed, it so happens that Jamal the Fork had decided to end it all at that particular moment, and landed right on poor Merv's head.
"OWWWWW! AGGGGGHHHHH," said Merv before expiring, Jamal having penetrated his brain. See? It's quite painful, even fatal.
Now multiply that by hundreds, maybe even thousands! Those Taliban guys won't know what hit them. Hell, they'll probably wish they'd thought of it themselves instead of wasting all that time tossing acid in their chicks' faces. But by the time forks are raining down on their heads, it will be too late. All those Afghan broads will be able to flash some ankle again, and a bunch of stinky guys with beards will be impaled compost. That's how I see this shaking out.
Now, as many of you know, I served in 'Nam. This means I know how not to fight a war. You'll notice that we did not once attempt to drop forks on the Vietcong. Result? We lost.
And I can promise you that there are lots of forks out in the heartland -- many living dreary existences in your local cafeterias -- willing to go on kamikaze missions to protect America. They know they will not survive a drop from 2,000 feet. They know they will be giving their lives for freedom. They are true, liberty-loving heroes. They are the Band of Utensils, proud and true.
The ol' prongs are misting up now. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. Okay, okay, time to gather myself. I'm fine now. Really. And I think my plan would work. I'd waste that bin Laden mofo myself if I didn't have a web site to run.
I hope someone's out there listening.